Heartfelt Confessions Of A Chronic People Pleaser

All my life I have been a people pleaser. I have always put other peoples happiness, comfort and preferences first. My instinctual behavior was to politely, empatheticaly, and instantly agree to their requests, and put myself in their shoes.

I worried for others, predicted and anticipated their unspoken needs. My self worth was based on my ability to care for others.

My immediate thoughts always were "How can I make this person happy, understood, cared for? How can I encourage them, uplift them, help them see the goodness within themselves? How can I really listen and hear what they were communicating between the lines? How can I make them feel special, nurtured, and less alone?

In other words, I instantly became their therapist and counselor. This would've been ok if it ended at work because that was what I trained for but, this continued spontaneously with strangers, neighbors, or anybody that I came in contact with. Its like I decided it was my sole responsibility to be their savior.

Growing up, little girls were rewarded for being polite and helpful. I was never taught how to express my needs, wants or my anger, but rather suppress it.

My needs and preferences were always a very distant second, or tenth consideration! I never felt good enough because in my mind, there was always something more I could have done. It was selfish to consider what I myself might need.

I became so accustomed to this 'normality' that I didn't even notice the silent resentment that was building inside of me.

I started withdrawing from people because I always attracted the needy and disheartened, people who had 'problems' for apparently only me to solve. I actually drew these people to interact with because unknowingly they made me feel good. They provided an opportunity to express what I was great at doing. Consoling, nurturing, endlessly giving of my time, resources, and energy.

After decades of this behavior I justified that people 'drained' me and I felt better alone. I could only cope with one person at a time. I didn't know my self-love tank was empty! I didn't know what self-love was.

The initial and very subtle resentment would present itself as irritability, moodiness, and uncomfortable eruptions of anger. Any obvious displays of my inner negative and self inflicted turmoil was quickly extinguished by a tremendous sense of guilt. My inner critic was quick to let me know that I'm a cold, uncaring and not a loving person. So I withdrew from people even more.

I was overly sensitive to criticism, the possibility of letting someone down or hurting other peoples feelings. So I suppressed mine.

I incorrectly observed that all human interactions were emotionally and psychologically exhausting.

Growing up I spent most of my life in my room reading books. I was always overwhelmed and confused at how people could interact in group situations. I didn't understand superficiality or the point of having shallow conversations. All I knew and was familiar with was deep analysis, connection, and me being the savior of the chosen persons problems.

Yes my skills of observation and empathy are extremely well developed as a result. But the price I paid for being such a people pleaser came at a cost.

I lost MYSELF. I wasn't ever living MY life because I was so focused on the approval of others. I didn't know boundaries. I didn't actually know who I was or what truly made me happy.

My life revolved around helping others. People, animals, organizations, the neighbors. Everyone but me.

There was always a needy cause that desperately required my attention. Until my body began to scream out and I manifested serious enough health symptoms that forced me to listen.

The sad prognosis for polite and chronic people pleasing is death. Death of our True Self, our passions, our purpose, uniqueness, and ability to share with others what our Soul came here to express.

I'm now learning to say "no". Without guilt, reason, or justification. I'm perfecting the art of becoming myself. I owe myself this much.

I can no longer blame the outside world, people or situations. I can't isolate myself knowingly.

The pain of denying and suppressing our True Self is meant to drive us to express joyously and confidentaly who we really are. Despite other peoples opinions, encouragement, approval or disapproval.
 
I'm learning to just listen and not fix. I'm also learning to notice, accept my limits and be kinder to myself.

I choose to listen to the whispers of my own heart. I do have a right to make decisions that feel good for me. This is a new practice and it may take the rest of my life. But every day that I become more conscious of my dysfunctional pattern of suppressing my True Self, I empower myself to make anther choice and put my happiness first.

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