Do You Recognize These 5 NOT So Obvious Signs Of Abuse?

There is something that too many innocent loving Highly Sensitive People struggle to comprehend. That is, facing the horrific reality that there ARE others who don't see the world through their compassionate eyes. That there are people out there who have no empathy, no regard of other peoples feelings, or conscience.

That's right, welcome to our current society's acceptance, glamorization of narcissistic and abusive behavior. We see it reenacted on TV shows, read about the dramas in magazines, and listen to friends talk endlessly about the same repeated relationship dramas.

Recognizing abuse is something all of us need be aware of. Unfortunately, many of us never had examples of what loving relationships look like.

The abusers behavior seems to be minimized and mostly undetected. Kind hearted and forgiving HSP are lured by their charm and supreme confidence.
They get entangled in their web of deceit and then may spend decades trying to first identify the damage, and then heal from it.


Here are the top 5 signs to look out for if you suspect the person you are involved with may be an abuser:

1. Master manipulator: these people are expert liars, they distort information, concoct stories, are emotionally unclear, tell you one thing one day, then another thing the next day, then when you confront them to clarify it, they don't hesitate to tell you that you must be confused. Struggle to answer simple questions, change the subject, control and manipulate conversation topics that may be important to you.
2. Hostility language: listen to the words they choose to use. They are hostile, nasty, bitter, contentious, hateful, belligerent, spiteful, condescending, make jokes at your expense, argumentative, call you names, imply that you are stupid, unaware, 'not as smart as your sister/their friends', words and conversations are malicious, unkind. 
3. Compulsive Controllers: they control the money, where, how and how much you spend. They control everything from the car keys, phone conversations, where you have dinner, which friends you can see, and what you will be wearing.
4. No awareness or regard for others boundaries: show up on your door step uninvited, call at all hours of the night, go through your personal belongings, constantly interrupt conversations. Your private time or space with total disregard. The read your emails, check your texts, are unapologetic when caught.
5. Irresponsible: blame their ex, the government, their boss, their mother, and childhood. Play the victim card exceptionally well, look for pity and sympathy. Tinds it extremely difficult to apologize or be introspective, never takes responsibility for poorly chosen words that may have hurt you but accuses you of being 'too sensitive'. May use terms such as "look at what you made me do", buys gifts as a way of compensating for their bad behavior.

 
Many of us HSP have spent years in therapy, because of the psychological abuse we endured by people who should be in therapy to begin with!
So be alert to these repetitive behaviors. There is a pattern that abusers follow. These behaviors do not constitute for happy relationships.

This is a world of contrast. Despite what a low self esteem might tell us, we DO have choices. We won't survive wearing our colored glasses and will be taken advantage of if we don't wake up.

Relationships with abusers are confusing, unsettling, extreme (some, initially may say 'exciting'), and almost always begin as risky, or on inappropriate, unclear grounds.

It's the kind hearted HSP that are easily deceived. Its the loving people who are too quick to forgive repetitive toxic behavior.
This is how abusers hide and continue hurting others. The gentle hearted often don't have the confidence to confront them due to the years of belittling they endured at the hands of the abuser.

By walking away and cutting our ties, we take our power back. Recognize that your attention, minimization, forgiveness, tolerance, excusing of and DENIAL perpetuates this cycle. Don't become an enabler!

This is what abusers feed off, your naivete and inability to CLEARLY IDENTIFY that their behavior is destructive.

Be aware of the above mentioned signs. You do deserve better.

Calmly confront the person at the earliest moment you become aware. If your reality is not validated but instead distorted, minimized or taken in a repetitive defensive manner, then that is your answer.

I wish this information was available to me years ago. I only hope to shine a light and clarify what constitutes abuse.

More HSP need to become aware of what is acceptable, and what is not.

Most of us unfortunately were told to be 'nice', we weren't told to speak up, it was never verbalized in our families what is inappropriate.

Let's start with our adult relationships now. If not for our sake, for the sake of our children so they don't experience what too many of us have.
I hope you found this topic informative and share it with people you care for that may need a wake up call. Awareness is always the first step!

Watch Top 5 Signs Of Obscure Abuse: HSP & Narcissists video series here!

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My Love Hate Relationship With Religion

Is there a difference between spirituality and religion? Can both co-exist? I believe that the heart can always see what the mind and eyes cannot. It will always steer us in the direction we need to be. I have had a love hate relationship with religion for most of my life. This is my story...

I grew up in a controlling religion. There's no other way I can distort that fact, to myself any longer. When I was a child I lived by the choices the religion set out. I'm sure my parents thought they were doing the right thing, and I can see many benefits of the foundation a religious upbringing has brought me.

A strong sense of conscience, a sense of responsibility to do the 'right' things, understanding of morality, the comfort of fitting in with like minded others, and a strongly ingrained impression of who God was.

As I grew up tho, I had questions, lots of them! I wondered about whether there were other 'good' people that weren't part of my religion.

I quickly learned that curiosity and questions were a sign of doubt, that perhaps the devil had implanted in my mind. My internal life was a constant and unrelenting state of guilt and fake politeness. I didn't want to be different because conformity was favored.

Individuality was not encouraged but was considered a serious concern because one could be 'straying from the flock'. Being a 'sheep' was important.

The older I got, the more restricted I felt. All books, magazines, TV, radio, everything was approved or disapproved of by the church. My every single day revolved around preparing for church, going to church, studying religious books either personally, with a group, or with the family. Of course, then there was the door to door preaching.

It never ended, ever. Every conversation, thought, belief, activity, dream or hope was dominated by my ingrained expectations of who I was told God accepted. I was not encouraged to make friends outside the church so I had no sense of any other reality. I was afraid of the world 'out there'.

My religion taught me that a relationship with God was strictly conditional, based on only their interpretation. I was not deserving of his love unless things were only done one way.

The hypocrisy I witnessed absolutely astounded me. Problems were just swept under the carpet, hushed away. I wondered who actually had the professional skills to manage marital disputes, physical or sexual abuse, bullying at school, or other legitimate issues that people generally face in the 'real world'. The maintenance of the illusion of perfect families was to be maintained at all costs.

The sense of isolation was crushing. I found it difficult to have friends even within the church because I knew I wasn't being honest, I was living a lie. I hated the person that the religion only allowed me to be. The suppression and rejection of my true Self lead to a physical manifestation of debilitating illness.

After I turned 21 I finally had the courage to listen to my own heart and leave. It is then that I lost everyone and everything that was my whole life as I'd known it. The abandonment and greif was difficult to live through. I had been people pleasing for so long that I had no sense of Self or who I was.

All I knew is that I felt a massive sense of relief. Like a heavy soul crushing weight had been lifted.
But if my debilitating sense of rejection and loneliness was the price of freedom, I was willing to accept that.

In my mind I had already endured hell. Any false promise of the religions version of 'heaven' with those deluded others, was of no comfort to me.

That's when my healing began. The years of guilt and shame that I believed I imposed on my family was overbearing. The sense of God not loving me, that I made a mistake, and that I was going to be punished was unrelenting. The heartbreak of realizing that the people I grew up with were no longer there, that it was all an illusion, was devastating.

What was most desolating to me was the manipulation I allowed. The shaming, guilt and ever present fear that I endured for decades. All cloaked in falseness, pretense, and a polite conformity.

The sadness and feeling of not being good enough, was something I have unknowingly battled with all my life. It took me years to figure out that the shaming was a powerful control tactic that's used frequently.

This experience made me hate religion. All I could see was what my filter allowed, which was my version of deceptive and sad events.

I'm now recovering my individuality, voice and ability to speak MY truth. I'm rebuilding my self esteem and confidence. I have come so far to know, with every fiber of my being, that I'm now closer to God than I ever was.

This experience has sped up my spiritual evolution and I'm thankful for that. I was never seperated from God. S/he never left me but was always in my heart, whispering lovingly thru my intution.

I have humbly observed that others may not have had such a devastating experience with religion. In fact, I have seen people whose choice of religion has encouraged them to become the best they can be.

The difference between these two experiences however, is that they had a choice, it wasn't imposed on them. Apparently God gave us free will? So why the judgment, guilt, fear and manipulation? This approach seems like slavery.

Looking back on that traumatic life long experience, I don't actually hate religion. I'm just intolerable to coercion, imposition, and denigration of choice. I recognize that judgment, comparison, and withholding of approval of anothers spiritual preference is not conducive of well being.

Opening my awareness of other religions has been very enlightening also. I pleasantly discovered teachings in Buddhism that have made a remarkable difference in the quality of my inner life. I'm now even re considering Bible scriptures in a completely different light that have enriched me exceedingly. There are more than one way up the mountain and I'm taking whats good for me, and leaving the rest behind.

Everybody has a right to believe what they choose is right for them. Anyone elses pompous  judgement is a reflection of their own shortsightedness. Yes, there is a big difference between spirituality and religion. Some people do find it in religion, however, many others don't.

I know now my own personal God that can't ever be taken away from me. My God is not found in a church, or only within a group of 'special' people. I AM an expression of God.

No matter what other peoples limited perception is, we are all facets of brilliance and we were all created perfectly. There are no mistakes. There is no one better than anyone else, we are all precious and individual expressions of Love. This belief serves me now.

It's been quite cathartic and healing to be able to express this through my writing. It verifies my reality and serves as a reminder that freedom is my ultimate goal.

I'm choosing to forgive myself for not having the courage, and not knowing back then, what I know now. I trust myself to make the 'right' decision because I listen to the guidance of my heart, and that can never be wrong. I have discovered an inner strength I never knew I had, that no one can take away.

Maybe that doesn't make me a good candidate for a religion, or maybe it means I still have alot of concepts to let go of. One things for sure though, I can no longer be shamed or silenced about expressing my personal truth. Perhaps in a previous lifetime I would've been burned at the stake for what I just expressed, not this time round tho.

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Why Silence And Secrecy Is Deadly: The Legacy Of Emotional Abuse

I grew up with alot of silence and secrecy. It was encouraged, it was rewarded. I thought I was doing the right thing by being quiet. Even though every fiber of my being screamed out telling me otherwise, I didn't have the courage to go against the tide.

I desperately wanted to believe that things really weren't that bad. My imagination, what I now recognize was dissociation, saved me from facing an overwhelmingly painful reality.

I wonder how many loving people there are who are existing in a quiet state of sad discontent. Who are slowly dying in silence, hiding a shameful secret? Kindhearted people whose low self esteem won't allow them to recognize clear signs of toxicity?

Emotional abuse is very prevalent because its kept secret and is mainly unrecognized for what it is.

Take for example this description penned by Beverly Engel, in her book The Emotionally Abused Woman:

"Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically.
She has become so beaten down emotionally that that she blames herself for the abuse. Emotional abuse victims can be so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone"

The majority of people are yet to recognize that emotional abuse is as harmful as physical abuse, if not more, because we carry the damage internally everywhere with us, into every future relationship and friendship.

The most damaging aspect is that it disables us to create a better future for ourselves because we dont believe we are deserving. So when people say "get over it", or "just focus on something really good instead", that is totally unrealistic for those of us who have endured emotional abuse.

Most times we simply cannot envisage goodness for ourselves because we've never seen it, felt it, or witnessed goodness or what it means. It's like speaking a foreign language.

It takes patience, commitment to healing, and compassion from others who have walked in our shoes. It is then that we can start to rebuild our self worth and self confidence, to even get to self deservability!

I recognize now in retrospect, how damaging peoples inability to understand and perceive the level of suffering emotional abuse inflicts.

People who have endured emotional abuse desperately need validation of their reality. Of course, the secrecy of the abuse makes it difficult for outsiders to verify. We walk around all our lives being polite to others, endlessly walking on eggshells, and feeling super crazy on the inside.

When we do reach out for help, our cries are usually minimized, denied or disregarded. Which further re traumatizes and confirms that we must be really crazy making this up. "How could your loving mother/father/husband/sister say such things?!" And the secrecy continues. A feeling of isolation sets in. The persistent invalidation further erodes self esteem.

It takes tremendous courage to even voice something 'bad' about your loved one, that they might be hurting you. We suffer immense guilt and shame. It's a toxic cycle. It's hidden from the outside world, and well maintained by pretense and the illusion of a 'happy family'.

We didn't learn essential life skills like healthy boundaries, being assertive, or encouraged to develop our unique individuality. We never developed a sense of Self. We excessively people pleased just to feel loved and acknowledged. We got lost, were never found.

The heartbreaking and predictable prognosis for someone who is continually emotionally abused is   utter worthlessness. They endure constant criticism, rejection, exclusion, and neglect. This is soul destroying, and deadly.

I have witnessed it. I have been entangled in it. There is no more secrecy or silence about what I endured. I'm grateful to have the clarity that I do now. My intention is to shed light on what emotional toxicity and abuse is, so others don't have to endure it for as long as I did. I'm no longer helplessly waiting for clarification from others who can't, or won't see it.

 
I will no longer sacrifice a further minute of my precious life to cover someones elses irresponsibility, inability to trust, communicate, respect and love me. I owe this to myself, and to others who are ready to illuminate this dark toxic secret. My compassion is now directed at MYSELF. I'm learning to love myself enough to walk away.

The silence and secrecy associated with ongoing emotional abuse can only end if people speak up, identify it, and talk about it freely with compassionate others who understand.

Emotional abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing. Their cycle of toxicity is dependent only on silence and secrecy. This is what enables the behavior to continue, and to control us. Silence is NOT golden, it's deadly.

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The Next Big Thing In The Diet Industry

Are you tired of reading about yet another sensational diet? Another new scientific discovery of some miracle ingredient that will transform your body into that of a supermodel? What will the next big thing in the diet industry be? With statistics of obesity going up all the time, its becoming evident that the diet industry is struggling to fulfill their promises.

After studying and practicing holistic nutrition for many years, I've got to honestly say I too am tired of learning bout yet another new wondrous nutrient solution to peoples overweight problems.

I observed how much suffering people endured for being obese and overweight. Their emotional state oscillated between a sense of worthlessness, failure and then hopefulness and optimism because they saw another ad on tv informing them that finally a solution had been found.

Lets face it, we are holistic beings. We consist of more than just physical matter that's shaped by our body. There are so many unaddressed possible contributions to being overweight, the list really is endless. How can anyone judge anyone else is beyond me.

Does it really stem from consuming excessive calories? Not enough exercise? Maybe. Can it be the synthetic preservatives, additives or the generically modified ingredients in the food? Or maybe its being too acidic? Not being on the right blood type diet? Eating meat, or not? Is it allergies? Perhaps it really is poor digestion, assimilation and elimination? Is it due to a vitamin or mineral deficiency? How bout stress? Maybe the right diet has eluded them all their lives?? There are so many variables!

I believe the answer lies in how honest and self responsible people want to be.

Too many people want to find the right 'diet', pill, or shake that will get them back into a socially and visually acceptable equilibrium.

But is that putting our lives in the hands of a profiteering diet and fitness industry? How much truth are they actually disclosing, how much of that truth is clever marketing to create another customer for their product?

Even as a practitioner I found it saddening how little people actually knew about their bodies and how it functioned.

I looked back on when I was 18 and questioned what I actually knew at that time. It was only what I read in magazines. The first diet book that I read was Fit For Life, which in retrospect was really detrimental to my health at the time!

Society values people knowing about the latest fad, celebrity fashion installment but rarely do we commit to learning about our own body. And our ignorance comes at a cost. That cost is us looking for answers outside of ourselves, depending on the knowledge of the latest best selling diet book we read, or the skill of the practitioner we may be seeing regarding our weight issues.

In all honesty, yes most of us are complicated creatures and can have a myriad of reasons we may be overweight. Yes of course it could be too much processed food, a mineral deficiency, eating gluten when we have an intolerance or other factors.

But I predict the next big thing in the diet industry is masses of people waking up because they have had enough of being strung along by false promises, covert deception and distortion of facts.

The majority of the industry is based on the customers total unwavering faith in what they are selling. Why do some diets work for some and not others? Why do some people maintain their weight loss, but the majority don't?

How bout we change our perspective and start taking back our power? I now look back on all the diets and products I have ever tried, studied, and recommended, as an education about my own body.

It's easier for me to feel empowered when I don't feel like I'm a failure or believe that a particular product didn't work for me. Now I'm choosing not to torture myself mentally, be kinder to myself and see it as just something that wasn't right for MY body. It's ok my body didn't conform, or honestly, maybe I sabotaged my own efforts because of an underlying emotional reason.

By putting our total faith in only one way we disempower ourselves and enter a dysfunctional cycle. We are able to choose to feel that we received an education and objectivity regarding a future choice.

What really surprised me is how many people hesitate looking at the contributing psychological reasons. Tolerating current toxic relationships, low self worth, enduring bullying at work, past history of sexual abuse or trauma are all significant factors that can lie behind a weight issue.

Its easier to delude, distract and sabotage yourself with endless unsuccessful diets because you are not willing, or not ready, to face the real truth. It takes a compassionate person to bring it to anothers attention, and it takes self compassion to face those suppressed matters.

I'm being brutally forthright because I was one of those people. I wasn't even consciously aware of the psychosomatic reasons. I too was endlessly chasing a miracle diet, exercising til I dropped, and starving myself to look more socially acceptable.

But no matter how many kilos I lost I was still never happy. Everyone skinny, appeared to be so much happier than I ever was. The most painful predicament I realized I was carrying around, was the constant self inflicted sense of guilt, shame, isolation, and not belonging.

Everything starts to change when we start to change on the inside. I think the diet industry has manipulated innocent people in believing that its the other way around. They sell the concept that "you can only feel good, once you reach this weight".

What if our weight loss depends on us feeling good about ourselves to begin with? What if we were so much more successful if we took actions from a place of self acceptance and self love?

The next big thing in the diet industry is empowering people with self awareness. Recognizing that we are not just a body. Our past history, our current emotional state, our sense of inner self worth all contribute more significantly than any calorie counting.

The judgement people with weight issues endure every single day is not conducive to their success. All the great intentions or the motivation their trainer attempts to instill in them, is only temporary.

The way we label people stigmatizes them as well. If we chose to see ourselves, or the next overweight person thru the eyes of love and acceptance, instead of condemnation, I believe we could affect significant change.

Once we learn to love ourselves, we will gain the inspiration to make positive life changes. We will feel truly deserving of good health and balance. Setting a loving intention toward ourselves is a powerful tool. We will no longer be doing anything from a space of deprivation, restriction, comparison, judgement, or enforced motivation.

Sometimes kindness, compassion can be the biggest keys to unlocking self discipline in an individual, and not a stringent discipline inflicted by a superficial diet industry. The diet industry is dependent on overweight people being ashamed, insecure, in fear, and misinformed.

Let's clarify and start appreciating this fact...

We are now living in an exciting time in history. We see more people taking substantial steps toward self responsibility, who are no longer willing to play the victim game. People are researching, asking questions and comparing answers.

The victim game gets boring for a practitioner as well. After years of practice it becomes evident who really wants help, and who is just happy for a temporary band aid treatment. Some people really do need loving guidance and help, others just need abrupt honesty.

The next big thing emerging in the diet industry are the amazing professional trainers, practitioners who encompass a more holistic view, who encourage self awareness. They are humble enough to admit that they may not have all the answers, that there is no one way because we are all unique individuals. They tend to attract people that are willing to honestly look at their whole picture, what they bring, what they are willing to face and let go of.

What has your journey with weight issues been like? What are you aware of now, that you wish you were earlier? What has served you the most? I know I am still discovering things about myself every week that I wasn't aware of previously!

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Building A Solid Foundation For A Loving Relationship: Essential Questions To Ask

Imagine there were some kind of protocol we could look out for, or share with our single friends when trying to establish a solid foundation for loving relationships? How many of us settle for the first person that shows in interest in us?

How many of us get into relationships almost blindly because of fear of being alone? How many fall into lust and don't look past the initial physical attraction and then wake up months later disillusioned? What information did we receive about what to look for, or what to ask prospective partners?

Over the course of my life I've been in some shady situations. I only wished someone sat me down earlier with clear instructions on how to build a solid foundation so I could go into a relationship being more aware of what I was getting myself into!

That would've saved me a lot of time and unnecessary heartache. But I guess its going through these kind of situations, that we evolve, learn, and hopefully don't keep walking down the same path toward the same repeated outcome.

I believe a solid foundation of trust, respect, and honesty is the basis for any healthy relationship.

There are certain 'deal breakers' or non-negotiables that have to be discussed as soon as possible. You can delude yourself and put those initially awkward conversations off for the future, but you'll thank yourself later when you realize the significance of having had them earlier! 

Your opinion has to be heard and respected otherwise you are compromising your self worth, which will eventually erode your happiness within the relationship. Speaking your truth is a non negotiable. If you are settling, or lying to yourself, you will lose your own self respect.

Love yourself enough to speak honestly about what you need in a relationship and from the other person. If they can't offer it to you, thank them for their honesty, walk away and look elsewhere. Applaud yourself that you were courageous enough to ask, and that they were honest enough to tell you.

Issues such as, do you both agree to be monogamous, or not? Is it a 'lets see where this goes' kind of arrangement? The answer to this question is basically a yes or no. Any hesitation is a red flag.

Someone who is ready for a loving and respectful relationship should be able to be very clear about this. Their confirmation, confusion or awkward reaction will let you know exactly where you stand so there is no disappointment.

Another very important issue to discus early on is that of children. Whether you or the other prospective partner wants or doesn't want children. Is it negotiable? Is there a time frame?

How did their last relationship end? Was there closure for both parties? Or are there still unresolved issues, unclear boundaries, reasons why they broke up? How emotionally 'raw' is the issue of their previous relationship? Does your prospective partner take responsibility, blames the other person, or discusses what they've learnt from the relationship?

What are your prospective partners spiritual or religious beliefs that they feel strongly about? Are they interested in personal development? What are their priorities in life?

Many people rush into relationships as if there was an expiration date for the opportunity. However, as you get older you start to realize that timing needs to be mutual and, a similar pace of traveling is required for the relationship to successfully start to take shape.

Anyone who rushes you to make a quick decision or doesn't want to wait for you to make a choice isn't really considering or respecting your needs. All good things take time. If that person is serious about investing their love and time with you, they will wait until the decision to take the next step is a mutual one. An agreed upon time frame can be set, but pressuring or manipulating is not a healthy sigh of what's to come.

However, if you or the other person feels rushed into making a decision, this can later lead to question whether the the right decision was made on mutual terms, or whether there was coercion. These kind of retrospective thoughts can shake an unsubstantial foundation.

Too many of us are malignantly optimistic when we see early and clear signs of toxicity. We may see things that bother us but we choose to deny, we believe we can tolerate or 'fix' later. This is not loving, to ourselves or toward the other person. Some people need therapy, not a date!

That might sound harsh but I believe we must offer ourselves as whole and not half, expecting the other person to complete us. This is not balanced or healthy. It puts tremendous pressure on the relationship if one of the participants views the other as a savior or rescuer.

Once again, this attitude of denying things that bother us is unhealthy. If we start off deluding ourselves, we can be assured that the perfect bubble we created in our mind is sure to burst. If we can't speak honestly in the beginning, how many more heartfelt concerns will we hide in future? We will realize later our relationship was built on a lie.

Listen and observe how your potential partner talks to and about others. What is their general outlook on life? Is it mainly optimistic? Do they have an solution based attitude?

Pay attention because people will tell you about themselves!

Does this person take responsibility for their actions or is quick to blame others? Do they have an accepting or trusting nature? Do you feel an expansion in their presence? Or a contraction because their world is full of mistrust, difficulty, and oppression? What topics do they choose to discuss, what words do they repeatedly use?

When I was younger I remember my mum saying something I didn't quite grasp fully at the time, it took me too long to realize how true it was.

"Show me their 3 closest friends and I'll tell you who they are"

Studies of human behavior can now confirm that we copy behavior of the people we are in closest contact with. So if someone has friends that have problems with addiction, are dishonest or have other unsavory issues they are not willing to rectify, its most likely the person hanging out with them will also. Interestingly, studies also reveal that couples who have friends that have affairs or are divorced are more likely to behave in the exact same way.

On a brighter note, the more examples or friends that we have that are in loving relationships, the more likely we will be to have loving relationships ourselves. Its almost like we create what we observe.

These important issues need to be examined in the initial stages of relationships. I'm sure many of us could tell endless stories of heartache due to us not paying attention, asserting ourselves, and our requirements earlier on.

Human behavior is fascinating, isn't it? Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we are drawn to certain people for certain reasons. Known or unknown.

I believe that what we may now recognize as poor choices, were really an opportunity to assert ourselves, speak our truth and ask for what we need. Our pain and suffering was dependent on us expressing our needs with clarity and confidence, and walking away sooner from situations that we denied as being detrimental to our self worth. 

Isn't it wonderful that as we get older we can choose to make more conscious decisions of whom we want to share this remarkable journey of our life?

We can honestly admit that we had the power all along. We are not victims, we just weren't shown how to make better choices for ourselves.

Once we begin to love ourselves, we realize we deserve exactly the loving relationship we envisage for our happiness.

The sooner we become aware of what we don't want, the quicker we will move toward exactly what we do want!

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When Caring For Others Is NOT Good For Us

Do you you instinctively care and rescue others, is it an almost automatic response? Do you easily identify with being the Rescuer? Savior? The care giver? Do you almost pride yourself on wearing that identity? This is a common finding in all Highly Sensitive People.

But can chronic care-taking ever be dysfunctional, considered NOT genuinely an act of love, or good for us??

I was taught that giving, considering, anticipating others needs was a virtue. After all, I watched my mum do it all my life. Others came first, always. In all honesty, I don't ever recall my mum saying no.

I wondered how she could always be cooking, cleaning, shopping, preparing for tomorrow, entertaining guests. I never saw her complain or be overwhelmed. Although, I did see her hide her exhaustion politely on many occasions, I just couldn't comprehend how she could possibly still be the most loving and considerate woman I ever knew.

Me on the other hand, I had limits. I withdrew from people, got tired, irritable and resentful very easily. I just couldn't cope with half of the things I saw her manage. I felt guilty that I was unable to be as pleasant and willing as her. I was just moody and disinterested in appearing overly pleasant. I concluded that I mustn't be as loving as her.

However, as I grew up I did take on the role of the chronic Rescuer. I just didn't recognize it in myself until decades later when I burnt out caring for everyone and everything, on the verge of adrenal exhaustion, and resentful to the point that I was unable to cope. Then of course I was tormented by monumental guilt. What a typical story of a HSP.

Why couldn't I be just like mum? My mum came from a generation of women who could do it all, with a permanent smile on their face. They cared for and rescued everyone, incessantly!

I started to wonder and look more closely at who are the chronic Rescuers? And why do people fundamentally, obsessively rescue others? Can it become dysfunctional? And at what point??

I came to the following disquieting conclusions. I wonder how many HSP reading this can relate..

There is a balance that has to be maintained when caring for others, so it can be of benefit to both parties. There is a fine line between lovingly caring, and rescuing.

When we habitually rescue people from responsibilities, and when we meet peoples needs and anticipate them, then its symptomatic of being dysfunctional.
When we fuss over, fix, unceasingly nurture them. When we solve their problems and attend to all their wishes, even the unspoken ones. Reading their mind, knowing their feelings even before they do is a gift we are quietly proud of.

When we do this to such a point that we reach a bothersome unexpressed resentment silently directed at them. We ask ourselves why they don't do the same for us? After all, we anticipate and cater to all their needs!? Then we feel sorry for ourselves and conclude we have been taken advantage of.

When we unknowingly rescue, we participate in a destructive form of helping. We take responsibility for another persons decisions, behaviors, problems and feelings. We are in reality, controlling through helping. We impose with helpful efforts and suggestions. WE feel needed temporarily, WE have a purpose.

Dysfunctional caring becomes unfavorable when we do something that that person didn't directly ask us to do, when we say "yes" but mean "no". When we're doing more than our fair share, when we're constantly giving, fixing other peoples problems. Doing their thinking for them, speaking for them, and putting more effort into their problem solving than they themselves are.

When we take care of people and do things we don't want to, we put ourselves aside. We ignore our needs, wants, and feelings. When their needs come first we devalue ourselves. It can be a evident sign of low self worth. Maybe we were never shown how to put ourselves first?

Is our self worth only based on our ability to give? What if we could no longer give? Would we be worthless?? Do we give and sacrifice our needs to emotionally manipulate through guilt, and prove to others how much we supposedly love them? This is conditional giving, with strings attached.

When we consistently give more than we receive we end up feeling neglected, angry and abused as a result of our continuous and habitual care giving.

Could it be true that if we instantly rescue it reveals that we don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed instead? If you don't love me for me, love me for what I do for you? Do we look for and possibly even create situations that need our rescuing so we can temporarily feel good about ourselves? That perhaps the act of caring for someone proves we are good?

Can we consider that perhaps our giving takes away the other persons ability to ask, work things out on their own, on their time? How much of our giving is interfering? Are we impeding the other persons ability to learn an essential life skill, take care of themselves, so we are forever needed by them?

I'm questioning my automatic reactions to people and situations in need. Most of my life I was reacting, not responding. I'm now learning to value myself more than just my ability to endlessly give, serve, offer, and sacrifice. It may be common sense to many people but for a HSP who's been chronic caregiver, this common sense was not so common. I confused love with need!

I'm appreciative that I'm able to look at this deeply ingrained, unquestioned subconscious program. There is a balance that many HSP weren't taught how to maintain. Instinctively giving til you drop is not conducive of physical or emotional health.

I propose Highly Sensitive People begin to check their 'fuel tanks' and question where they are giving from. A place of true care, love and fullness, OR, obligation and expectation because we assume we are here to carry the weight of the world.

Hitting rock bottom a few times in my life, I now value the contrast of what it means to give from a place of fullness as opposed to, emptiness.

Apparently I had it so wrong. I realize that the more I give to myself, the more I'm able to offer others. It is not selfish. I show others that I have limits when I'm able to say "no" to them, and "yes" to myself.

We all teach others how we expect to be treated. We all have a choice of giving from a place of self honesty and self love. And perhaps if you are a carer, consider giving someone else the opportunity of giving back to you?

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Why 'NICE' People Desperately Seek Approval And Permission

The ludicrous concept that I recently became vividly self aware of, was that of needing permission and approval. I was unconsciously living my life as if I was waiting to get permission.

To make my own choices, dress a certain way that was comfortable to me, to walk away from circumstances that were toxic and destroying my self worth, to have routines that bought be peace, to get rid of relationships that were no longer serving me, to basically to live life MY way.

But whose permission was I actually seeking? Who was I seeking to please??

For many people and the first obvious answer could be their parents. They may have expected you to be 'successful' in the way they envisaged success.

For example, they may have been raised in a largely poor family and could only dream of going to university to become a lawyer.

Because they missed their opportunity, they enforced their ideal onto you, perhaps even laced it with subtle guilt, hoping, planning for you to fulfill their dream. Reliving their life through yours.

Perhaps they withdrew their approval for something that you expressed you really wanted to do.

Many people seek permission and approval from their friends or social group. They wear the same style skirts, handbags and shoes. They drive similar cars and build similar houses.

The term 'competing with the Joneses' is used to describe this kind of behavior. They join gyms, go on the same diets, participate in group activities that their friends approve of. All their choices are based on their friends approval and acceptance.

Venturing out on your own is disapproved of and is punished by a silently polite withdrawal and general disinterest of your new choice. Its fear inducing to consider that your 'tribe' may disapprove of something new you're curious about. You could embarrass them with your proposal of non conformity.

Another very strongly ingrained sense of needing permission and approval could be from church or a religion we were raised in. Regardless of whether we ourselves as adults still actively participate in its rituals or not, our Inner Critic would have already been domesticated with this subconscious program.

We respond to situations that are supposedly 'sinful' and ruled by a punishing God who watches and judges all our actions, thoughts and behaviors.

Most of us unknowingly behave as if we need society's approval. We hesitantly commit to massive loans for cars and houses we know will keep us financially bound for too many years. But socially a 25 year mortgage is viewed as acceptable and an outward sign of 'success'. So we don't dare publicly question society's norm.

We don't want to be the odd one out, so we conform for fear of losing our friends and society's approval.

All our lives knowingly or unknowingly, are based on seeking permission and approval from something, someone outside of us.

Listening to our own intuition, our Inner Guidance, is questioned, disregarded, and generally viewed with skepticism.

Is it a surprise then, that most of us are existing like obedient servants running on automated programs? That sadly we are not even aware of most of the time? Could this be the basis of the spiritual depression society is denying existence of? Are we EVER free to express who we are?? And what if we never will get approval or permission?

Most of us were not taught to listen to our own heart, or to fearlessly construct a life that we envisage as 'success' based on our values.

Do we have to wait until we are confronted with a crisis and face a confronting fork in the road? Until we are on our deathbed that we realize the only approval and permission we ever needed was our own?

We will look back on our own life and call it a success only based on whether we lived by the guidance of our own heart. Regardless of whether our family, friends, religion, or society evaluated as being successful.

The concept of waiting for permission, and becoming aware of desperately wanting approval, has served as a monumental wake up call for me.

Whose approval do you seek? Whose permission are you waiting for?

You don't need to justify it, wait for permission or approval to live life on your terms. That is your gift that only you came here to share with humanity.

Whilst seeking approval and waiting for permission, we lose precious opportunities to express our true Self.

There's a song that only YOU can hear. It is your destiny to listen and follow the tune of your heart. It is not anyone elses responsibility to make sense of it.

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