Do you care for someone dearly, who is truly loving, generous and kind? You only wish the very best for them because they are a joy to be around and radiate kindness in every interaction. However, you clearly recognize they are suffering deeply and denying a very evident toxicity in their relationship?
It can be extremely frustrating to watch helplessly as your loved one allows disregard, disrespect, being humiliated and plainly being abused.
Whats even more painful to observe is their total inability, outright denial and sheer refusal to acknowledge the allowed misconduct. We could be this persons friend, sister, mother, father, or brother helplessly witnessing from the outside.
There are many reasons why the people we love may be denying clear evidence of emotional toxicity in their relationships.
They may not know the extent of deterioration of their self worth they are allowing. They may never have had an example of a mutually respectful relationship. They may have grown up with little or no boundaries due to physical, sexual, spiritual, and emotional abuse. A dysfunctional family is unable to support the inherent value a child.
But you can't help but wonder, why are they able to express such love, empathy, affection and compassion easily to others but settle for such poor treatment themselves?
I beleive that all dysfunctional relationships stem from the same problem: lack of awarness of one's own value and inherent self worth.
The way someone allows others to treat them is evidence of what they believe they deserve, evidence of their self worth.
As a bystander, no amount of compliments, generosity, gifts, poems, words of expression of your love and appreciation for them can get through to their heart. Their core belief is they are a worthless, unlovable, and stupid. They very evidently struggle with receiving.
They may beleive that whatever attetnion they get is good attention, even if it is clearly abusive to everyone around. They are unable to say "no" because they are not worthy of choice and accept whatever leftovers come their way. This is the reason why the toxic cycle of attracting dysfunctional partners keeps going.
Perhaps the only acknowledgement they ever received was when they were good, nice, quiet, and didn't 'rock the boat'. So they became people pleasers to survive and just to feel some kind of self worth.
This behavior of chronically putting others first alienates them further from their own knowing, of who they truly are, what their purpose is, and their ability to receive any goodness in life.
They are quick to take the blame for any toxic behavior that their partner inflicts on them. They make excuses for them, minimize their destructive actions, or deny any evidence of their own hurt.
They tell themselves that it must be their fault, and by accepting such behavioiur, they once again prove to themselves that they are unlovable.
Their own reality of inner distress in not acknowledged, sadly not even to themselves. Their denial and silence protects the abuser and the toxicity continues.
These loved ones are very sensitive to feeling guilt and endure great internal suffering if they so much as feel they may have slighted someone.
Denying evidence of toxicity keeps them feeling safe. If they admitted it to themselves they would most probably have to make drastic life changes. For many people change is extremely terrifying. So they feel safe in their delusion.
If they honestly admitted to someone else about how they were feeling, they would undoubtedly be encouraged to take action. They convince themselves however, with their known low level of self confidence, that they are prone to failing even before they start.
Also, evidence of their failed attempt to leave would humiliate and shame them in the eyes of who they confessed to. So they conclude it's not worth the risk of opening up. The tormenting secret continues.
Sometimes they get defensive when confronted by a frustrated friend who genuinely asks why they are allowing abuse.
This is known as Stockholm Syndrome, defined by Wikipedia as "capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors".
They point out all the supposed goodness the evident abuser has brought into their life. This is a classic sign of denial when confronting a loved one about evidence of toxicity in their relationship.
Denial is a protective mechanism that keeps that person from facing a dreadful reality. They want to preserve their illusion. Sometimes this behavior causes them to lose caring and concerned friends and then they risk isolation.
Rebuilding self worth is critical in helping our loved ones even admit to evidence of toxicity. This is the first step on the journey of a thousand miles.
Loving and observing people who tolerate toxic relationships can be very challenging. Sometimes you get to the point of 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'.
Another thought to consider is that if we ourselves have substantial self worth then perhaps we may choose not to expose ourselves to witnessing our loved ones denying toxicity. We may have to set boundaries to protect ourselves. They say witnessing abuse is just as painful as being abused. Perhaps our firm boundaries will assist them in facing their own denial.
Perhaps it is in our example of maintaining our own loving relationships with strong and clear boundaries that we can teach others best.
Quietly, not getting drawn into their storms, always remembering that perhaps our words may not be the most effective way to teach. But rather our silent compassion, faith and example.
I truly believe when someone finally reaches out for help that this is indicative that they are ready to accept help and consider self responsibility.
Trying to understand why loved ones deny evidence of toxicity may sometimes be a hindrance and our 'helping' could be used as a distraction. Alternatively, our loving calm acceptance of their compliance, gives power of responsibility back to them.
Our trust in their decision making abilities may give them greater clarity that it is THEM after all who are accepting this quality of life. If its ok by them, then it has to be ok by us. They are the only ones living their life. The greatest gift we can offer them is our presence.
Every person is growing and learning at a pace that's right for their spiritual evolution, despite our perspective. We sooner or later come to the realization that we must maintain our own peace of mind, surrender and accept that everyone is on their own journey.
Their spiritual education is their responsibility. We cannot do their 'work' for them. No amount of our suffering is going to ease their suffering.
For it is by our firm and consistent choice of vibrating energetically from love, that we can help both ourselves and all those around us.
www.journeythruwellness.com
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