Heartfelt Confessions Of A Chronic People Pleaser

All my life I have been a people pleaser. I have always put other peoples happiness, comfort and preferences first. My instinctual behavior was to politely, empatheticaly, and instantly agree to their requests, and put myself in their shoes.

I worried for others, predicted and anticipated their unspoken needs. My self worth was based on my ability to care for others.

My immediate thoughts always were "How can I make this person happy, understood, cared for? How can I encourage them, uplift them, help them see the goodness within themselves? How can I really listen and hear what they were communicating between the lines? How can I make them feel special, nurtured, and less alone?

In other words, I instantly became their therapist and counselor. This would've been ok if it ended at work because that was what I trained for but, this continued spontaneously with strangers, neighbors, or anybody that I came in contact with. Its like I decided it was my sole responsibility to be their savior.

Growing up, little girls were rewarded for being polite and helpful. I was never taught how to express my needs, wants or my anger, but rather suppress it.

My needs and preferences were always a very distant second, or tenth consideration! I never felt good enough because in my mind, there was always something more I could have done. It was selfish to consider what I myself might need.

I became so accustomed to this 'normality' that I didn't even notice the silent resentment that was building inside of me.

I started withdrawing from people because I always attracted the needy and disheartened, people who had 'problems' for apparently only me to solve. I actually drew these people to interact with because unknowingly they made me feel good. They provided an opportunity to express what I was great at doing. Consoling, nurturing, endlessly giving of my time, resources, and energy.

After decades of this behavior I justified that people 'drained' me and I felt better alone. I could only cope with one person at a time. I didn't know my self-love tank was empty! I didn't know what self-love was.

The initial and very subtle resentment would present itself as irritability, moodiness, and uncomfortable eruptions of anger. Any obvious displays of my inner negative and self inflicted turmoil was quickly extinguished by a tremendous sense of guilt. My inner critic was quick to let me know that I'm a cold, uncaring and not a loving person. So I withdrew from people even more.

I was overly sensitive to criticism, the possibility of letting someone down or hurting other peoples feelings. So I suppressed mine.

I incorrectly observed that all human interactions were emotionally and psychologically exhausting.

Growing up I spent most of my life in my room reading books. I was always overwhelmed and confused at how people could interact in group situations. I didn't understand superficiality or the point of having shallow conversations. All I knew and was familiar with was deep analysis, connection, and me being the savior of the chosen persons problems.

Yes my skills of observation and empathy are extremely well developed as a result. But the price I paid for being such a people pleaser came at a cost.

I lost MYSELF. I wasn't ever living MY life because I was so focused on the approval of others. I didn't know boundaries. I didn't actually know who I was or what truly made me happy.

My life revolved around helping others. People, animals, organizations, the neighbors. Everyone but me.

There was always a needy cause that desperately required my attention. Until my body began to scream out and I manifested serious enough health symptoms that forced me to listen.

The sad prognosis for polite and chronic people pleasing is death. Death of our True Self, our passions, our purpose, uniqueness, and ability to share with others what our Soul came here to express.

I'm now learning to say "no". Without guilt, reason, or justification. I'm perfecting the art of becoming myself. I owe myself this much.

I can no longer blame the outside world, people or situations. I can't isolate myself knowingly.

The pain of denying and suppressing our True Self is meant to drive us to express joyously and confidentaly who we really are. Despite other peoples opinions, encouragement, approval or disapproval.
 
I'm learning to just listen and not fix. I'm also learning to notice, accept my limits and be kinder to myself.

I choose to listen to the whispers of my own heart. I do have a right to make decisions that feel good for me. This is a new practice and it may take the rest of my life. But every day that I become more conscious of my dysfunctional pattern of suppressing my True Self, I empower myself to make anther choice and put my happiness first.

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Why All Loving People Need Healthy Boundaries

Developing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for healthy self esteem and allows us to clearly differentiate and express who we are as an individual.

Healthy boundaries allow us to cope better in all relationships and define our uniqueness. Put simply, without boundaries we can't share who we are with the world!

Boundaries are like invisible 'force fields' that keep other people from coming into our space and mistreating us. Boundaries also keep us from going into others' space and abusing them, and provide a 'space' for us to individuate, and be separate from one another.

Boundaries can be external or internal. External boundaries refer to physical and sexual proxomities which we allow, or choose to distance ourselves from when we are in proximity to others. Boundaries are the invisible parameters which keep us safe. Internal boundaries are more intangible and protect our feelings, thinking and behavior.

Many of us were raised with damaged, non existent, dysfunctional and unclear boundaries.

The topic of boundaries was certainly not discussed at any length or clarity when I was growing up. However my body always gave me a sign that something wasn't 'right', even if I didn't have the confidence to put it into words, to speak up, or ask for help.

I had to learn the hard way and spent most of my life people pleasing, not knowing where I began and where they ended. Every interaction was stressful, confusing, and usually ended in me feeling guilt.

I recognize now that I had numerous boundary issues. For example, permeable boundaries. The greater part of my childhood I felt like a push over. I felt ignored, taken advantage of and not recognized as an individual.

Sometimes my boundaries were too rigid and I may have appeared cold, disinterested and this behavior made me unapproachable, I was perceived as disinterested and perhaps even arrogant. This lead me to feel very isolated. I didn't know back then that it was due to unhealthy boundaries.

You can begin to clearly see how low self worth and low self confidence are associated with poorly developed boundaries. Low self love or a lack of self respect are also indicative.

Children are unable to differentiate themselves from others and so they personalize everything. So children innocently adopt boundary issues their parents had. Any abuse they were exposed to damaged their boundaries and taught them what is appropriate or not.

For example, if your mother didn't know how to say 'no', you most likely will struggle with the confidence and self assertion to say 'no' also. If she politely tolerated verbal attacks, you will find it challenging to withstand similar emotionally abusive situations when you are an adult.

An inability to assertively say 'no' invites a lack of respect in relationships. These same boundary issues may present in partner relationships, friendships or work situations.

Or alternatively, you may totally develop such rigid boundaries that will make intimacy challenging. You may struggle with trust in relationships, getting close to people and only be able to form superficial acquaintances.

When our boundaries are intact and flexible we can choose to be loving and intimate but at the same time be protected against being taken advantage of or abused. Abuse can constitute physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual or spiritual.

There are many signs that indicate we may have boundary issues, such as:

• Being oversensitive and overwhelmed with other peoples emotions, needs, problems, and moods
• Feeling exhausted, angry and frustrated due to caring for everyone but not receiving care or recognition in return
• Feelings of heaviness and experiencing illnesses due to 'absorbing' other peoples energies, or spending time in a negative environment
• Compulsively caring for other peoples needs, even without them asking us, and neglecting our own needs
• Wearing your 'heart on your sleeve'
• Sudden and unknown attacks of negativity
• Consistent people pleasing 
• Repeatedly finding yourself in manipulative relationships where you feel taken for granted and lonely
• Habitually feeling anxious, needing to always look out for lurking dangers

Our boundaries provide protection and keep out energies that don't support us reaching our highest potential. They act as filters and keep in the energy that sustains and nourishes us, while letting out the energy that doesn't.

If our boundaries are healthy and intact we are able to attract all that we need to sustain us, that includes information, relationships, guidance, opportunities, and healing. We will more easily identify and avoid situations, relationships and people that are not right for us or may be damaging to us.

Healthy boundaries allow us to hear the guidance of our hearts much more clearly. We are more confidently able to make decisions that we feel are right for us despite feedback from others who may disagree.

We respect others as individuals and don't feel threatened or upset because they are different from us. Healthy boundaries enable us to discern the voice of intuition and this is our connection to living our life with purpose.

We are each responsible for the quality of our own inner life, and the creation of our outer life. When we become aware of our own boundaries, whether they are too rigid, inflexible, inappropriate, unclear or non existent, we can begin making changes and start living life on OUR terms.

We will no longer be confused about who we are or what we came here to do, or exactly how we choose to express our individuality. We will no longer seek permission or approval because we will realize that internal peace and a life of joy is our own responsibility.

If this information resonated with you, and you too are interested in further developing self awareness, then feel free to subscribe to my blog for more inspiring and enlightening discussions!

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Every Loving Woman's Simple Guide To Healthy Relationships

Every person IS deserving of love and we are in a constant process of growth and evolution. However, we are each responsible for only ourselves and what we bring to a relationship. Conversely, we are also responsible for what we allow, what we deny, tolerate and for how long.

I ask you to honestly consider for a moment, if you had a daughter, son, brother or sister whom you loved deeply and want only the very best of circumstances for, what kind of partner do you envisage them having a relationship with?

Too many of us have adopted the dis empowering belief that relationships are meant to be hard. That statement in itself sets an intention, so this is the reality we will attract. When we are not aware of our intention we will only see verification of our truth and just see unhealthy, abusive, and dysfunctional relationships.

I'd like to make it very clear that I don't believe relationships are meant to be survived or endured. If one person is defending, justifying or making excuses for the other, this is not healthy.

Please feel free to watch my latest short video here:
Top 10 Suggestions For More Conscious Relationships

Our relationships are also exemplary to others, such as our children who are innocently learning from us what a 'healthy' relationship signifies. What are we teaching them about what love is meant to be like for them when they grow up?

I have personally witnessed too many loving people in clearly dysfunctional relationships to even give one second of leniency regarding an indisputable sign of toxicity. Being witness to these kind of relationships have given me such a precise clarity of what I would never tolerate, and I'm greatly appreciative of the perspective this has given me.

Too many of us are settling for new relationships that don't have a solid foundation based on mutual respect, kindness, consideration and appreciation.

We fail to recognize or deny initial signs of dysfunction because of fear of losing what we've found. Too frequently we settle due to being drawn to an inappropriate person because of a magnetizing sexual attraction that seems to disable our otherwise rational thinking.

Compelling signs such as someone who is chronically negative, enjoys blaming, is irresponsible with their words and actions, shows signs of an active addiction, is argumentative, defensive, emotionally unavailable, disregards others, has no awareness or consideration of others' boundaries, and is unable to be introspective, should never be ignored.

These are red flags of someone who is not a primary candidate for a loving and spiritual partnership. These signs denote they need to spend time healing certain aspects of themselves, by themselves!
 
We also seem to have been programed to go into relationships intending to 'fix' the other person. This also isn't a healthy perspective and sets up unsound boundaries that eventually lead to an insidious resentment.

If you feel like you have to 'become' something or someone else in your chosen partners presence then this is indicative that you are denying expression of who you really are, in fear of them rejecting you.  If you feel a contraction, a pulling back or discomfort regarding expressing what you like to do, wear, eat, or feel these are all characteristic of suppression of your authentic self.

Alternatively, healthy personal traits of a person who is a prime candidate for a balanced partnership (in no particular order) include:

• kindness
• compassion and caring
• openness
• generosity of spirit
• friendship 
• honesty
• self awareness and self responsibility
• respect and consideration
• clear communication
• willingness
• sharing and inclusion
• open hearted
• supportive and encouraging
• honesty and genuineness
• ability to see goodness in others
• gentleness with self and others
• emotionally available
• demonstrate a trusting nature
• dedication to personal development and spiritual growth
• patience
• ability to keep their word and make commitments 
• a feeling of ease, happiness and expansion in their presence

We are energetic beings and we draw, or attract, the people and relationships that mirror our inner beliefs.

If you were raised with the belief that relationships are meant to be hard, then your difficulty in your chosen relationships will be justification of that. Perhaps being flexible enough to swap the word 'hard' for 'challenging' in itself can initiate a different kind of experience?

If on the other hand you believe relationships are meant to be fun, adventurous, based on companionship, consideration and on genuine care, then you will find yourself drawn to people who will fit that belief.

Relationships do challenge us. However, whenever I look back on misunderstandings I have observed others going through or myself have been through, my question has always been "How long am I willing to feel absolutely terrible for? Is my partner looking for a solution that brings a peaceful resolution, that is respectful of both our viewpoints and is committed keeping each others self worth intact? Would he rather be right than happy?"

I ask you to take a heartfelt look at what you believe you are deserving of, what you are settling or making excuses for, and what are you withholding from yourself?

If you TRULY believe you are totally deserving of love, commitment, honesty, support, then you will find that you will no longer be be drawn to inappropriate, questionable, and enduring relationships. They will just hold no appeal to you whatsoever.

You will be very decisive not to invest needless amounts of time on partnerships that don't mirror energetically who you know you truly are.

 If all relationships reflect something about ourselves then we bear responsibility first and foremost, to ourselves.


We have an absolute right to feel good, safe, loved, respected, and to be part of a partnership that enhances that. And of course, also encourages that in the other person too. This creates a fertile ground for a rewarding experience of life. The relationships built on a solid foundation of those qualities are worth our investing in.

Once you realize this, your choices of people whom you invest sharing and expressing your authentic self with will be strictly revised.

This epiphany will also speed up the manifestation of the loving relationship you came here to experience and that your heart years for.

Taking self responsibility is something I'm passionate about so I would like to take this opportunity to recommend an absolutely fantastic book for those readers of my blog who are interested in furthering their own growth in relationships.

It is written by my friend Shannon Sheridan who is a thoroughly experienced Marriage and Family Counselor. The Couples Thrival Guide helps individuals and couples to work through conflict and challenging interactions, helps people understand and take responsibility for their own behavior. It is structured as a workbook so has great exercises to participate in.
http://www.thrivaliving.com/current-releases.htm

If you too are an empowered woman, choosing self responsibility, dedicated to co-creating a magnificent life, and this information resonated with you please subscribe to receive my latest blogs and monthly inspirational newsletter!
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Are We All Victims To A Self Imposed Reality? A Corageous Womans' Key To Freedom

Our reality, or what we are certain is real for us, is based of a set of beliefs we adopted unknowingly when we were children.

All beliefs are ingrained in us, taught usually by repetition, by the time we are 6. At that age our brain is still developing, we have an inability to make conscious decisions and are dependent on our caretakers to hopefully paint for us a version of a colorful and loving reality.

All of us adopt belief systems our parents, grandparents, doctors, school, and church told us were real.

Our most deeply ingrained beliefs are firmly planted in our subconscious mind, which is also known as our habitual mind. This is where the 'automatic pilot' behaviors stem from.

Our beliefs can be likened to a particular pair of dirty, smeared glasses that allow us to only see a filtered version of reality.

Everybody is wearing a individual pair of filtered glasses all the time, usually we are unaware that we are wearing them.

We argue, defend, and justify our point of view that we can see from our pair of glasses only. We don't realize that everyone sees a different version of reality.

Some of us wear glasses that allow us to see only love, happiness, support and prosperity.

Too many of us unfortunately can only see failure, suffering, sadness and not enoughness.

If we had been brought up in a family where we witness emotional and physical abuse we become domesticated to consider that as normal. So in adulthood we unknowingly attract more of those situations that feel familiar. We are not conscious of how or why we end up repeating very similar scenarios when we are adults.

Sadly, we don't even know how to create another possibility for ourselves. We can't see the smeared dirty glasses that we are wearing, which are our subconscious beliefs. These beliefs block our ability from seeing another possibilities and we become victims of our own self imposed reality. 

Until we become aware of the glasses we are wearing, our subconscious belief keep us trapped as victims. Our negative beliefs automatically limit us regarding what we are capable of.

For example, how much love we are worthy to receive, what sort of connection we enable ourselves to feel with others, whether it's safe to trust, what kindness we deserve to be shown, and how much money we can receive.

However, there is an absolutely tremendous sense of freedom once we start questioning some of our most deeply ingrained beliefs.

For example, if your father told you repeatedly that you are not good enough, you are stupid, slow to learn, life will always be hard for you because of your poor grades, and you will amount to nothing.

An innocent child is unable to discern whether this is true or not. Their subconscious mind takes everything in unquestionably as absolute truth. Children in this way adopt and repeat the world view of their parents.

If a person who has grown up with this kind of negative belief, as an adult she will subconsciously sabotage all success, will look for evidence of how hard life is, prove to herself her subconscious truth that she is stupid. She will become a victim to the obscured reality she is only able to perceive through those dirty glasses. Everything she sees outside in the world will be a reflection of her inner altered belief.

Our beliefs are only thoughts that we keep thinking. They are repetitive in our mind because we don't consciously stop to question whether they are true or not, whether they enhance our experience of current reality or they deny us of living a magnificent life we are truly deserving of.

I have concluded that it is our unquestioned subconscious programs, our believed level of self worth, that we create our reality from. The key to freedom from our self imposed reality however, lies in us implanting new constructive beliefs that serve us. As adults we are the only ones responsible for ourselves.

Ask yourself: where in your life do you repeatedly get the same results? Do you find yourself in the same relationships? Situations at work? Struggle reaching goals or keep failing no matter how hard you try? Is prosperity, love, the perfect partner just out of your reach?

Once we identify a belief, we can then also ask ourselves: Is this really true? How is believing this, sabotaging my efforts from creating something magnificent that I long for?

All of us have so many hidden beliefs that we need to look at. We no longer need to be victims of our negative programs that disable us from creating success in every area of our life such as, loving relationships, optimal health, joy, sense of purpose, and belonging.

It takes courage to shine a light on our deeply hidden convictions. But it is only when we choose to let go of those smudged and polluted glasses that we can create a life we know we came here to experience.

All unknown and repressed negative beliefs separate us from what true reality is. That the world IS abundant, that there is enough love, money, opportunities for everyone.

Did you feel resistance reading that last sentence? Perhaps it is an indicator of your underlying belief about what you consider you are worthy of...

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Are We Ever NOT On Our Path?

 
There is so much judgement and pressure about whether we are or aren't on the 'right' path. This implies to specifics like our career, finding our 'soulmate' and other relationships, or the biggie, our life's 'purpose'.

We are compulsively driven to constantly search, study, and find clues about whether we are getting closer. This relentless search implies that if we develop, learn, and enlighten ourselves further then our path will become more clearer, we'll get there faster.

We are so focused on our proposed destination that we tend to entirely miss the joy of being on the journey. It's like we have a stubborn inherent resistance to this moment!

I love asking questions, of myself and others. I have been cursed blessed with a curious mind. I believe that its in our asking the correct questions, that enables us to change our perspective of the 'problem'.

 Doesn't our relentless search for our path indicate that somehow we are incomplete, defective until we find it??

What if, we are already perfect just as we are in this very moment? With whatever our current level of awareness, education, material stuff, relationship and health status is?

What if, we were to change our perspective and focus more on being fully mindful of each precious moment of the journey?

What if, we let go of our perceived ideas, judgements of whether we are successful, healthy, loved, or financially abundant? What if we surrender to just accepting ourselves just as we are in this very moment? What if our path is to cease all expectations of ourselves? What if we are enough??

What if we never reach our destination or goal, does that mean we have failed and deem our lives as being wasteful?

Society rewards and encourages us to constantly be on the treadmill of setting goals. Whether it be climbing the corporate ladder, losing that last unwanted 5kg, paying off a staggering mortgage amount, or getting our new boyfriend to commit.

We have categorized every aspect of our life and have set goals toward. We are so focused on our intended goals that it has become totally incomprehensible that perhaps our life may actually be perfect despite our perceived imperfection.

I believe that its our resistance to what is, that is our biggest and unrecognized misinterpretation of all.

I propose that each of us IS on our path, perfectly coordinated at every moment. However, we tend to  resist to even consider that, because our current situation may be perceived as too painful.

We are too sick, too fat, haven't read the latest book, not smart enough yet, haven't found our 'soulmate', still not there yet. We focus on whats supposedly missing.

What causes us more suffering is our attachment to the idea that we have failed, or we're not there yet.

Unfortunately most of us, myself included, have grand realizations in retrospect!

Could perhaps the feeling of being mindful, and totally appreciative of exactly where we are, actually BE our path?? What if its not a path at all but a revelation of perfect moments? What if our path isn't an action but rather our ability to simply BE?

I can honestly say that my biggest regrets thus far are not whether I earned a degree on time, got the highest mark on my exams as I intended, whether I worked longer hours, purchased the newest version of a Prada handbag, or whether I finally won the Nobel Peace Prize!

But rather, that I wasn't fully present for the people I loved because I was too focused on reaching an intended destination. That I missed too many precious moments because I wasn't mindful of what I now realize in retrospect, was a fleeing moment.

Awareness of this has made me question whether we are ever NOT on our path. Or, are we so busy trying to reach a destination that we miss realizing what our path is? That being in THIS moment is our path revealing itself to us.

I believe all of us are exactly where we are meant to be.

Total and radical acceptance of what is allows us to fully experience and appreciate how precious each moment is.

It also opens up the doorway to gratitude of life itself. And THAT is empowering.

It's our unrecognized and habitual thought pattern to believe that we are broken, needing to be fixed, to get somewhere else. This keeps us longing and separated from everything that we already are, already have.

We are perfectly imperfect. Our life is perfectly coordinated at a pace that is ideal for our soul's evolution, despite our ego's struggle to accept this.

It is in letting go of what we perceive our path to be, that we start living our path. Its in our ability to be mindful and appreciative of this exact moment that we realize what our true path is. Not in attaining a destination but rather acceptance of this very moment.

www.journeythruwellness.com

Why Loving People Deny Evidence Of Toxicity In Relationships

Do you care for someone dearly, who is truly loving, generous and kind? You only wish the very best for them because they are a joy to be around and radiate kindness in every interaction. However, you clearly recognize they are suffering deeply and denying a very evident toxicity in their relationship?

It can be extremely frustrating to watch helplessly as your loved one allows disregard, disrespect, being humiliated and plainly being abused.

Whats even more painful to observe is their total inability, outright denial and sheer refusal to acknowledge the allowed misconduct. We could be this persons friend, sister, mother, father, or brother helplessly witnessing from the outside.

There are many reasons why the people we love may be denying clear evidence of emotional toxicity in their relationships. 

They may not know the extent of deterioration of their self worth they are allowing. They may never have had an example of a mutually respectful relationship. They may have grown up with little or no boundaries due to physical, sexual, spiritual, and emotional abuse. A dysfunctional family is unable to support the inherent value a child.

But you can't help but wonder, why are they able to express such love, empathy, affection and compassion easily to others but settle for such poor treatment themselves?

I beleive that all dysfunctional relationships stem from the same problem: lack of awarness of one's own value and inherent self worth.

The way someone allows others to treat them is evidence of what they believe they deserve, evidence of their self worth.

As a bystander, no amount of compliments, generosity, gifts, poems, words of expression of your love and appreciation for them can get through to their heart. Their core belief is they are a worthless, unlovable, and stupid. They very evidently struggle with receiving.

They may beleive that whatever attetnion they get is good attention, even if it is clearly abusive to everyone around. They are unable to say "no" because they are not worthy of choice and accept whatever leftovers come their way. This is the reason why the toxic cycle of attracting dysfunctional partners keeps going.

Perhaps the only acknowledgement they ever received was when they were good, nice, quiet, and didn't 'rock the boat'. So they became people pleasers  to survive and just to feel some kind of self worth.

This behavior of chronically putting others first alienates them further from their own knowing, of who they truly are, what their purpose is, and their ability to receive any goodness in life.

They are quick to take the blame for any toxic behavior that their partner inflicts on them. They make excuses for them, minimize their destructive actions, or deny any evidence of their own hurt.

They tell themselves that it must be their fault, and by accepting such behavioiur, they once again prove to themselves that they are unlovable.

Their own reality of inner distress in not acknowledged, sadly not even to themselves. Their denial and silence protects the abuser and the toxicity continues.

These loved ones are very sensitive to feeling guilt and endure great internal suffering if they so much as feel they may have slighted someone.

Denying evidence of toxicity keeps them feeling safe. If they admitted it to themselves they would most probably have to make drastic life changes. For many people change is extremely terrifying. So they feel safe in their delusion.

If they honestly admitted to someone else about how they were feeling, they would undoubtedly be encouraged to take action. They convince themselves however, with their known low level of self confidence, that they are prone to failing even before they start.

Also, evidence of their failed attempt to leave would humiliate and shame them in the eyes of who they confessed to. So they conclude it's not worth the risk of opening up. The tormenting secret continues.

Sometimes they get defensive when confronted by a frustrated friend who genuinely asks why they are allowing abuse.

This is known as Stockholm Syndrome, defined by Wikipedia as "capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors".

They point out all the supposed goodness the evident abuser has brought into their life. This is a classic sign of denial when confronting a loved one about evidence of toxicity in their relationship.

Denial is a protective mechanism that keeps that person from facing a dreadful reality. They want to preserve their illusion. Sometimes this behavior causes them to lose caring and concerned friends and then they risk isolation.

Rebuilding self worth is critical in helping our loved ones even admit to evidence of toxicity. This is the first step on the journey of a thousand miles.
 
Loving and observing people who tolerate toxic relationships can be very challenging. Sometimes you get to the point of 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'. 

Another thought to consider is that if we ourselves have substantial self worth then perhaps we may choose not to expose ourselves to witnessing our loved ones denying toxicity. We may have to set boundaries to protect ourselves. They say witnessing abuse is just as painful as being abused. Perhaps our firm boundaries will assist them in facing their own denial.

Perhaps it is in our example of maintaining our own loving relationships with strong and clear boundaries that we can teach others best. 

Quietly, not getting drawn into their storms, always remembering that perhaps our words may not be the most effective way to teach. But rather our silent compassion, faith and example.

I truly believe when someone finally reaches out for help that this is indicative that they are ready to accept help and consider self responsibility.

Trying to understand why loved ones deny evidence of toxicity may sometimes be a hindrance and our 'helping' could be used as a distraction. Alternatively, our loving calm acceptance of their compliance, gives power of responsibility back to them. 

Our trust in their decision making abilities may give them greater clarity that it is THEM after all who are accepting this quality of life. If its ok by them, then it has to be ok by us. They are the only ones living their life. The greatest gift we can offer them is our presence.

Every person is growing and learning at a pace that's right for their spiritual evolution, despite our perspective. We sooner or later come to the realization that we must maintain our own peace of mind, surrender and accept that everyone is on their own journey. 

Their spiritual education is their responsibility. We cannot do their 'work' for them. No amount of our suffering is going to ease their suffering.

For it is by our firm and consistent choice of vibrating energetically from love, that we can help both ourselves and all those around us. 

www.journeythruwellness.com

Reasons Why Smart Women Never Doubt Their Intuition

Having a well developed sense of intuition can assist you in achieving success in all areas of your life.

I like to call intuition our 'inner-tuition'. It is guidance from our higher Self, Source, Soul, the Universe, or God, or whatever your understanding of 'something greater' than yourself is.

The capital letter indicates our True Self and not the small, ego centered version of ourselves that we have been led to believe we are just limited to. Intuition can be considered as a higher form of instinct.

Many of us have clear recollections of the times we didn't listen to our intuition which resulted in devastating effects. 

Intuition can be a combination of a creative idea, a 'hunch' about a particular situation, spark of inspiration, getting goosebumps, a sudden impression about a new person we have just met, or just a definite sense of knowing.

We can also receive intuitive guidance in our dreams, via a vision, or premonition. Intuitive guidance can be recognized by 'co-incidentally' meeting certain people at the right time and place, reading an article or hearing a song that clarifies exactly what we were previously unsure of, a book falling off a shelf whose title is precisely what we needed help with.

Surrendering to the concept that our life is supported by something greater than our small self allows us to open up to receiving assistance on our sometimes confusing journey of life. Not being aware of our intuition on the other hand, can cost us peace of mind, loss of direction and sense of purpose.

Learning to trust our intuitive abilities means that we can combine observation, logic and intuition to make more effective decisions, reach our goals faster, and enjoy a more rewarding life.

As a society we are only starting to value the extraordinary benefits of listening to our inner guidance.

Many of us, myself included, were controlled by religion that falsely manipulated us to believe that inner-tuition was only accessible to the chosen few.

We were trained to deny, suppress, repress, and certainly never discuss any intuitive feelings, thoughts or ideas we may have had. This was considered a sign of rebellion.

Intuition was a threat to religion because it meant that we had a personal connection to God, and we could possibly no longer be controlled by guilt and manipulation.

If inner-tuition is our Soul communicating to us, then repression meant we had to deny expression of our unique individuality and specific contribution to mankind.

Religious judgement destroyed our confidence in 'hearing' what our purpose and reason for being was. Religious scepticism just confused us and distorted our ability further.

I'm sure many of us can recall incidences when we knew we should be taking a different course of action than what external reality was confirming to us at the time. There are also many amazing stories of intuition saving peoples lives.

For example, a woman going out on a first date with a physically attractive and charming man who seemed to be 'too good to be true'. She received a strong intuitive sense of something not being right. She listened,  and despite her attraction to him, she decided not to agree to a second date. Months later she got confirmation that her gut feeling was correct when she 'co-incidentally' flicked open a page in a newspaper. She saw a picture of the very man she went on a first date with months ago. The article described how he was finally arrested for scamming lonely women out of tens of thousands of dollars.

Or a lovely example of a woman getting an intuitive feeling to cancel her already booked flight, rescheduling for another day which resulted in her sitting next to a man who she deeply connected with who later became her husband!

There are many devastating costs of doubting our intuition. Most common costs include wasting time, enduring unhappy relationships and jobs, procrastinating about what our true hearts calling is, suffering in indecision needlessly and just being regretful about decisions and choices we could clearly see in retrospect we were guided to make earlier.

In many people intuition is still an underdeveloped skill that can be likened to a flaccid muscle. With regular training however, we can learn to cease doubting this brilliant capacity we have all been gifted with.

Learning to never again doubt intuition will serve us to discover our unique life purpose and live each moment in great appreciation of its perfection.

We will begin to confidentially weave our own magic, trust and clearly hear the guidance of our own heart.

www.journeythruwellness.com

Are You Dating A Narcissist? Signs Of Toxicity You Should Never Tolerate

Most loving, empathetic and open hearted women will never know when they have been lured and are under the spell of a narcissist.

There may be evidence of slight narcissistic behavior in a relationship, or the full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Identifying common characteristics of this toxic disorder sooner rather than later, is critical.

Don't waste a month, a year, or 3 children and 40 years! According to most psychologists these people cannot change. Don't fall into the illusion that you can change them, help them, or save them. Instead, focus on saving yourself!

Some women are magnetized by their allure, self proffered status, sexual magnetism, physical appearance, supreme confidence and magical charm. They seem to possess all of these enticing and irresistible qualities.

The narcissist creates the complete and convincing illusion of being a hero, perfect lover, and ultimate husband material.

If you suspect you might be dating a narcissist because you are starting to witness the unraveling of a lack of certain basic relationship considerations, be sure to to know there are further predictable stages you can anticipate!

Initially you may have been fascinated by how worldly he was. You admired how he could talk endlessly (and literally!) for hours about his brilliant achievements, his realizations, and his knowledge. He seemed to have an opinion on everything.

He lured you with his seemingly superior intelligence and quick wit. You were amazed at how he could finish your sentences and could even read your mind!

He dropped names of famous people he frequently rubbed shoulders with, how he read all the ancient spiritual texts, how he possessed the answers to humanity's ignorance. You admired how he thrived on captivating his audience. He may even be brilliant at his career and have gained a recognized status, so he will not miss an opportunity to make sure you are aware of how privileged you are to be just in his presence.

He thoroughly convinced you, and a small crowd of adoring fans (all of which are women), of his brilliance, eloquence, and sheer genius.

You observed all of this so, by him only paying you such preferential attention, he made you feel special. In a way that you have never felt special before. He singled out poor little you from all these other gorgeous women who were also utterly captivated by him.

He perhaps even clearly admitted he just can't help having all these others admire him. He is honest and kind enough to point out that its just something you will have to understand and simply get used to.

Perhaps after a few weeks, you will reach the next stage I like to call the 'evasion of confirmation of being in an exclusive relationship with you. Also known as the beginning of you feeling like you're crazy!

You're super confused and hesitant about bringing attention to something that's important to you. Whether its his excessive flirting or your suspicion of his addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or probably unbeknownst to you at this stage, other women. He will minimize your every concern and lull you into a false sense of security. You will start doubting your inner-tuition.

He says words that make you feel so understood, and cherished. Yet his evasiveness regarding 'what kind of relationship are we actually in?', is quite questionable. The boundaries are very unclear.

When you very gently try to address the issue, or even confront him, he very quickly twists it around to his perspective, distorts your question, seems confused, then belittles your concern, and laughs at your suggestion that he is the one who is 'unclear'. He then goes on to appear to be totally unruffled and at peace.

So the 'relationship' continues on his terms. You have no clear answers. You tell yourself he's really worth the wait, after all you have such a strong connection!

All these tactics are meant to deter you from asking him again about any confirmation of where the relationship stands. If you do persist with voicing your need for clarification that's when you will get to witness his full Jekyll and Hyde rage erupt.

How dare you insinuate his supposed inability to commit, or be unclear, or indecisive? Did you forget how special, wise, adored and respected HE is?

He will remind you that it is YOU who doesn't understand love, relationships, that YOU have jealousy issues, and you need to just relax because its your accusations that are making him turn into this enraged person.

He might even throw in a reminder of his torturous childhood and that his mum, church, the vibes, the economy, the government, your inability to accept or support him just as he is, are all to blame.

After that emotionally dramatic expression of what he convinced you to believe was him baring his soul, he is actually content with his performance. He decides when that conversation is over.

You on the other hand are going crazy analyzing, replaying scenes in your mind endlessly trying to get the most preferential outcome that makes you feel secure that you have a solid relationship.

You keep wondering why he can't empathize or why HE isn't the one asking to confirm this wonderful relationship that you assumed you were in.

It is too late now because your heart is invested and unfortunately you have been intoxicated by his  seemingly inescapable charm. Energetically you are entwined.
 
You many not realize that every time you think of him and feel your longing for this imagined non- reciprocated loving relationship, you are strengthening the energetic toxic cord between you.

You lose your sense of self worth, self confidence and start to settle for whatever bits of attention he chooses give you.

You start wondering if you were skinnier, had longer legs, a better smile, had black hair, or blonde hair, a flatter tummy or if you were smarter, more outgoing then perhaps he would fully commit to you.

You conclude it must be your fault. You decide to change to please him. Maybe that will make him realize that you are loveable and you'll spark his undivided attention again, like the first time he saw you.

You convince yourself that every man, besides him, will just never do. You tell yourself (and all your friends that will listen to your justifications of his disrespectful behavior) that you have had such special soul connection that there will never be another, like him.

If you are reading this and recognize any of these scenarios I strongly suggest you start remembering that you are an amazing woman who deserves to be respected for your uniqueness and your needs in a relationship.

If you don't get clarification of where you stand in a relationship make it very clear that you have set a time limit for him to tell you one way or anther. Take your power back!

Boundaries are essential for any relationship. Save yourself the heartache and invest the pleasure of your company in someone who values you. Make it about you and your happiness. You set the standard of how others treat you.

Actions speak louder than words. Narcissists are brilliant with words, its an art form to them. Wait to observe how he behaves.

Does he ask your opinion, or belittle your self expression?

Does he wait to really hear what is important to you, or interrupt with his version?

Does he value your choices and preferences, or try to convert you to what he decides is right for you?

Answers to these questions are indicative of emotional toxicity. Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness should not be in your life to begin with.

Narcissists teach us how to individuate and encourage us to live our life authentically. The narcissist can cause us so much emotional and psychological pain that we must grow stronger in expressing our values, opinions, and choices. If we don't, that pain will continue either in this relationship or the next.

A relationship of any duration with a narcissist can strengthen our psychological muscle. We can begin to really define and state our boundaries. We can begin to navigate our life with intuition,  greater clarity, and a stronger connection to our higher Self .

Once we really and truly value ourselves the narcissists' job is done. We will have such strong boundaries and know we are deserving of only love, honesty, appreciation, encouragement, clarity and commitment. These strong qualities aren't appealing to the narcissist so you will no longer attract this toxic behavior. They are repellent by strong women with high self worth.

Once you start attracting and accepting only loving relationships based on mutual and clear grounds you will realize the relationship with an NDP (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) has actually sped up your souls evolution.

For its in your absolute knowing of what you really DON'T want, that you gain crystal clear clarity and decisiveness about what you DO want!

You are on the path to living your life authentically and creating a life of YOUR choosing!

www.journeythruwellness.com

Peri Menopause: How To Support Yourself Naturally

As described in my previous blog, peri menopause is the 3-6 year period of time for women in their 40's who begin experiencing a decline in hormonal production.

Its a natural transition in every woman's life that is rarely spoken of or recognized! If you are a woman in your 40's start becoming aware whether your body is showing you signs that this transition is occurring.

The following are examples of the kind of supplements that could help bring ease during the peri menopausal transition:

Woman Essence
I have always loved energetic medicine because it just makes logical sense to me, we are energetic beings, first and foremost!

Over the years as a practitioner, flower essences were one of my favorite complementary healing modalities. Energy remedies are both subtle and yet very powerful at affecting change and helping bring about homeostasis.

The Woman Essence is a combination of particular Australian Bush Flower Essences that complement each other in helping bring about a balance in emotions, menstrual cycle, and energy levels during any transitions particularly affecting women's cycles.

Woman Essence helps to restore emotional balance, allows you to feel good about yourself, recognize your own beauty, accept your body, and just generally helps you cope better with change.

7 drops under the tongue, upon rising and again before going to bed is the recommended dose. You can expect to notice differences in about 1-2 weeks. It also comes in a spray or, cream that smells amazing and you can apply to your face or body.

Evening Primrose Oil or Borage Oil (source of GLA)
Can help stabilize mood changes, dry skin, flushing, fluid retention and excellent for relief of breast tenderness.
Daily 2-3 capsules with food.

Vitamin E
Essential for dry, flaky skin, loss of elasticity, vaginal dryness, itchiness and irritation.
Make sure its the natural (d-alpha form) and not the synthetic (dl- form). Therapeutic dose can be between 200-600iu.

Withania somnifera
An absolutely amazing herb that is tonifying, relaxing, and restoring to the adrenals. This is for the peri menopausal woman who is stressed out and over worked. She is exhausted, irritable, anxious, perhaps depressed, moody and has trouble sleeping.

Withania will help you adapt to stress, calms your nervous system down so you're not as reactive and just soothes during any stressful transition.

You can purchase withania at most good health food stores either in convenient capsule form or in tincture.
General therapeutic dose is between 500mg-2gm daily. This herb needs to be taken longer term, 2-4 months before you really start feeling its full effect. It truly nourishes your organs deeply from the inside, this takes patience but well worth the commitment.

For more information about this amazing herb please watch my video here


Magnesium
I have written extensively about this mineral as I have witnessed severe deficiencies on too numerous an occasion. Magnesium is absolutely essential for most people, let alone a woman going thru peri menopause.

Magnesium helps your bones 'hold onto' calcium, it helps deepen sleep, relaxes muscles, eases cramps, twitches, reduces carbohydrate cravings, stabilizes mood swings and blood sugar levels, eliminates water retention, and the list goes on.

Therapeutic dose starts at 300mg and can range from 300-1200mg. I recommend supplements that contains several different forms such as amino acid chelate, orotate, citrate, oxide and phosphate. Powdered form further assists in assimilation.

A magnesium formula that contains glutamine for gut absorption is great. Additional taurine is fantastic too because this amino acid helps reduce magnesium loses so its for women who feel they just 'can't get enough' of magnesium and seem to need it excessively. Taurine will help your body 'hold' onto the magnesium you're supplementing more effectively.

Always look for what the equivalent TOTAL magnesium content of a tablet is!

Vitex agnus castus (Chaste Berry Tree)
Vitex is extremely effective at helping regulate hormones. Its especially fantastic for the luteal phase which means it helps balance all symptoms that occur or worsen premenstrually (PMS) such as breast soreness, acne, anxiety, headache, depression, moodiness, bloating, water retention, and irritability.

Vitex can help balance and regulate an altered menstrual cycle length, can balance out ovulation, sex drive and most menstrual irregularities.

Vitex is also a herb that must be taken longer term. Because it regulates the hormonal system and HPA axis (hypothalamic ovarian axis) it is rather slow in action and can take its time in working its magic.

I would recommend consulting a herbalist before starting on vitex. It is well worth the investment to get a more thorough picture. A herbalist will be able to put together a herbal combination perhaps based on vitex, but that will be exactly suited to an individuals particular requirements.

There are many other nutrients that a peri menopausal woman could benefit from significantly. It will depend on the symptoms she is displaying and areas of her life that need most support. Working with a trusted health professional who can gauge her health and assess the appropriate requirements during this time is recommended.

Addressing the areas of her life that need nourishment will bring an alleviation of the presenting peri menopausal symptoms. Looking at nutritional deficiencies is a must, managing stress better, respecting that your body is going through a natural transition and accepting new limits, is essential.

I hope this brings some light to women in their 40's listening and honoring their bodies needs!

Joanna Kujath, N.D.

www.journeythruwellness.com

The Unspoken Transition Every Woman In Her 40's MUST Be Aware Of

We all hear and read a lot of information about menopause. But how many women in their 40's are actually aware of that masquerading and unrecognized period of time prior to menopause? This is known as the peri menopause.


It is absolutely imperative that women be aware of their state of health, lifestyle choices contributing to imbalance, and nutritional status when approaching this rarely spoken of transition.

Taking care to support the body during this time will make the transition easier and will decrease the frequency and intensity of some common symptoms!

Menopause is defined as the time of life when a woman actually stops menstruating, it indicates the end of fertility. The approximate age of menopause is between 47-53. Periods have to stop for an entire 12 months to be clearly defined as menopause.

Peri menopause however occurs 3-6 years prior to total cessation of the menstrual cycle. Several years before a woman stops ovulating, her ovaries will slow their production of the hormones progesterone, estrogen and testosterone. The total hormonal transition can take up to 10 years for some women.

A woman's body generally goes through a physiological transition over the course of those 3-6 years as menopause approaches. Hormonal changes that signal the beginning of the peri menopausal period most likely occur in the mid 40's.

Common early symptoms of peri menopause include periods becoming irregular, either shorter or longer, or menstruation becoming lighter, or significantly heavier. Periods can completely stop for several months too.

The duration of the peri menopausal period can vary according to health status, diet, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, level of physical activity, heredity, and several other contributing factors.
 
Symptoms to be aware of which indicate a start of decline in ovarian function include:

• insomnia
• mood swings
• "fuzzy" thinking
• night sweats
• hot flashes
• decreased interest in sex
• vaginal itchiness or dryness
• poor concentration and memory
• dry skin, loss of elasticity, greater awareness of appearance of aging
• weight gain or inability to lose weight
• anxiety
• reduced stamina
• feelings of bloating
• breast swelling and tenderness
• hypoglycemic episodes
• urinary incontinence

Also note, that symptoms will vary and present according to which hormone is relatively unbalanced. For example, estrogen dominance is most like to present in dry skin, weight issues, breast tenderness. Whereas a relative drop in testosterone (and also progesterone) will present in insensitivity to erogenous zones, depression, decreased sexual response and general fatigue.

The reason why there has been so much attention given to estrogen is because estrogen is not only essential for reproduction, it also acts on many non reproductive organs and systems in the body!

Cells in the vagina, breasts, arteries, bones, bladder, liver, heart and brain ALL contain estrogen receptors for their normal cell function.

For example, estrogen is needed to keep the skin smooth and moist, its also necessary for proper bone formation. Therefore there have been publicized links between declining estrogen levels and later development of osteoporosis.

The reason why women start gaining weight or are unable to shift stubborn weight in their 40s and 50s is because their body is actually trying to maintain biological balance. Our fat stores actually help produce a small amount of estrogen.

So if weight gain is a predominant issue, rather than starving, dieting and exercising madly, middle aged women can save  some time, frustration, unnecessary guilt, suffering and instead, get their hormone profile evaluated thoroughly. Salivary and urine samples could also be a good idea to gain more clarity.

The more nutritionally depleted women are by the time they are in their mid 40s will reflect on how smoothly the peri menopause and menopause transition will be.

It is critical that women nourish and educate themselves, and take time to honor their body. This will serve as a long term investment and help prevent serious issues later such as cardiovascular disease, hip fractures, vaginal atrophy, and osteoporosis.

The 'middle years' are a powerful time of life for women which should be seen as a great opportunity for personal growth.

Entering knowingly into the peri menopausal transition with confidence, a basic understanding and greater clarity can usher in an empowering time to perhaps finally start living much more fully with authenticity, intuition and creativity.

it is also the biggest opportunity for personal growth and empowerment since adolescence. - See more at: http://www.drnorthrup.com/perimenopause-transition/#sthash.GLcb85D7.dpuf

it is also the biggest opportunity for personal growth and empowerment since adolescence. - See more at: http://www.drnorthrup.com/perimenopause-transition/#sthash.GLcb85D7.dpuf

In my next blog I will write more about definitive instructions regarding dietary supplementation and lifestyle changes that every woman in her 40's should start implementing, or at least be aware of..

If this information resonated and you too are interested in reaching your highest potential please subscribe..
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Joanna Kujath, N.D.

Reasons Why Kindhearted People Stay In Toxic Relationships

Many of us at one stage of our life may have had a toxic relationship. Most of us may not even have recognized it at the time that is was toxic. It may have lasted a month, a year, or 30 years. Regardless what the length of time was, we recognize in retrospect that it was too long!


Toxic relationships can be insidious, meaning they may sneak up on us slowly. First we assume everything is great. We continue assuming the person cares for us, is charming, complimentary, must have a good heart, and the very best of intentions.

But then we just start feeling a little uncomfortable about certain comments, or observed inappropriate behaviors and we start feeling unsure, slightly hurt, and diminished after each interaction.

They can occur within any framework of human connection, with a boss, co-worker, sibling, partner, friend, someone we date, or someone we marry!

Most people may not even have identified the toxicity, or rather, the depth and intensity of the toxicity.

Our initial sign is that something just 'isn't' right'.

We may have to justify, defend, make excuses, be embarrassed for, minimize the bad, maximize the good behavior of the person who is infecting us with this poisonous toxicity.

Defending the offender is always a sign of low self worth. But unfortunately most kind hearted people don't even recognize even the initial signs of dysfunction.

Most people stay in toxic relationships because  they:

• are young, inexperienced, and naive
• have low self confidence and self worth
• are unaware of their own needs, wants or rights
• have very little or no idea about appropriate boundaries
• don't have a supportive network of friends or family to depend on for healthy guidance
• believe they don't deserve any better
• settle because they are lonely and afraid of being alone
• are getting payoffs such as receiving gifts, enhancing their own status, are provided with  security
• have bought into the convenient and distorted belief that things will get better
• are insecure about their own ability to survive in the world
• have become manipulated, isolated and totally dependent on this toxic relationship for all their needs for friendship, love, financial security, and sense of purpose
• may be related to this person, so have adopted a pattern of accepting their behavior as a method of not rocking the boat in the family dynamic 
  

People stay in toxic relationships also because it may be familiar. They may have been raised in families where they witnessed that it was acceptable and tolerable to be emotionally, physically, spiritually abused, dominated, manipulated, bullied, belittled, disrespected, disregarded, unrecognized, unacknowledged, dismissed, shamed, guilted, intimidated, compared, and basically devalued for their uniqueness.

The opposite of all these behaviors feels very unfamiliar so they repeat the known, or unknown, toxic cycle. They were never shown the keys or taught how to get out!

Many loving people remain in toxic relationships because they are afraid of hoping for something better. Their trust has been abused and they have been disappointed so many times that they just surrender to their only perceived choice. They give up hope of receiving anything else but a repetition of the same. Once they get to this stage an apathy sets in.

Being in this stage for prolonged periods of time sets people up for creating illness. This is the stage where the body may begin to speak for us, the words we are unable, in the form of symptoms such as chronic pain, obesity, inflammatory disorders, addictions, migraine, even cancer.

Many kindhearted people medicate via food, drugs and alcohol rather than face their painful reality. 

Every human being yearns to be loved, cherished and valued. I believe suppression and longing for our instinctual state of love leads to a spiritual depression.

Once we begin to even realize we are deserving and start taking our power back, we can choose to see that toxic relationships can be a great opportunity to learn and identify what we DO NOT want. They can facilitate our greatest spiritual growth, start us on the road to rebuilding our self worth and faith in people again.

If you can relate to any of the previously mentioned behaviors or if something is triggered in you by this discussion, I urge you to look deeper and reach out. It may save you years of unnecessary suffering.

At the current level of planetary consciousness, we are beginning to see many people making tremendous breakthroughs in dysfunctional and toxic inherited patterns. The world really is dependent on all of us to truly share our tremendous love, sensitivity, uniqueness and gifts NOW!

Stay tuned and subscribe to my blog for more tips on how to begin this journey of finding the love you truly are.

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