I grew up with alot of silence and secrecy. It was encouraged, it was rewarded. I thought I was doing the right thing by being quiet. Even though every fiber of my being screamed out telling me otherwise, I didn't have the courage to go against the tide.
I desperately wanted to believe that things really weren't that bad. My imagination, what I now recognize was dissociation, saved me from facing an overwhelmingly painful reality.
I wonder how many loving people there are who are existing in a quiet state of sad discontent. Who are slowly dying in silence, hiding a shameful secret? Kindhearted people whose low self esteem won't allow them to recognize clear signs of toxicity?
Emotional abuse is very prevalent because its kept secret and is mainly unrecognized for what it is.
Take for example this description penned by Beverly Engel, in her book The Emotionally Abused Woman:
"Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically.
She has become so beaten down emotionally that that she blames herself for the abuse. Emotional abuse victims can be so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone"
The majority of people are yet to recognize that emotional abuse is as harmful as physical abuse, if not more, because we carry the damage internally everywhere with us, into every future relationship and friendship.
Most times we simply cannot envisage goodness for ourselves because we've never seen it, felt it, or witnessed goodness or what it means. It's like speaking a foreign language.
It takes patience, commitment to healing, and compassion from others who have walked in our shoes. It is then that we can start to rebuild our self worth and self confidence, to even get to self deservability!
I recognize now in retrospect, how damaging peoples inability to understand and perceive the level of suffering emotional abuse inflicts.
People who have endured emotional abuse desperately need validation of their reality. Of course, the secrecy of the abuse makes it difficult for outsiders to verify. We walk around all our lives being polite to others, endlessly walking on eggshells, and feeling super crazy on the inside.
When we do reach out for help, our cries are usually minimized, denied or disregarded. Which further re traumatizes and confirms that we must be really crazy making this up. "How could your loving mother/father/husband/sister say such things?!" And the secrecy continues. A feeling of isolation sets in. The persistent invalidation further erodes self esteem.
It takes tremendous courage to even voice something 'bad' about your loved one, that they might be hurting you. We suffer immense guilt and shame. It's a toxic cycle. It's hidden from the outside world, and well maintained by pretense and the illusion of a 'happy family'.
We didn't learn essential life skills like healthy boundaries, being assertive, or encouraged to develop our unique individuality. We never developed a sense of Self. We excessively people pleased just to feel loved and acknowledged. We got lost, were never found.
The heartbreaking and predictable prognosis for someone who is continually emotionally abused is utter worthlessness. They endure constant criticism, rejection, exclusion, and neglect. This is soul destroying, and deadly.
I have witnessed it. I have been entangled in it. There is no more secrecy or silence about what I endured. I'm grateful to have the clarity that I do now. My intention is to shed light on what emotional toxicity and abuse is, so others don't have to endure it for as long as I did. I'm no longer helplessly waiting for clarification from others who can't, or won't see it.
I will no longer sacrifice a further minute of my precious life to cover someones elses irresponsibility, inability to trust, communicate, respect and love me. I owe this to myself, and to others who are ready to illuminate this dark toxic secret. My compassion is now directed at MYSELF. I'm learning to love myself enough to walk away.
The silence and secrecy associated with ongoing emotional abuse can only end if people speak up, identify it, and talk about it freely with compassionate others who understand.
Emotional abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing. Their cycle of toxicity is dependent only on silence and secrecy. This is what enables the behavior to continue, and to control us. Silence is NOT golden, it's deadly.
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