Imagine there were some kind of protocol we could look out for, or share with our single friends when trying to establish a solid foundation for loving relationships? How many of us settle for the first person that shows in interest in us?
How many of us get into relationships almost blindly because of fear of being alone? How many fall into lust and don't look past the initial physical attraction and then wake up months later disillusioned? What information did we receive about what to look for, or what to ask prospective partners?
Over the course of my life I've been in some shady situations. I only wished someone sat me down earlier with clear instructions on how to build a solid foundation so I could go into a relationship being more aware of what I was getting myself into!
That would've saved me a lot of time and unnecessary heartache. But I guess its going through these kind of situations, that we evolve, learn, and hopefully don't keep walking down the same path toward the same repeated outcome.
I believe a solid foundation of trust, respect, and honesty is the basis for any healthy relationship.
There are certain 'deal breakers' or non-negotiables that have to be discussed as soon as possible. You can delude yourself and put those initially awkward conversations off for the future, but you'll thank yourself later when you realize the significance of having had them earlier!
Your opinion has to be heard and respected otherwise you are compromising your self worth, which will eventually erode your happiness within the relationship. Speaking your truth is a non negotiable. If you are settling, or lying to yourself, you will lose your own self respect.
Love yourself enough to speak honestly about what you need in a relationship and from the other person. If they can't offer it to you, thank them for their honesty, walk away and look elsewhere. Applaud yourself that you were courageous enough to ask, and that they were honest enough to tell you.
Issues such as, do you both agree to be monogamous, or not? Is it a 'lets see where this goes' kind of arrangement? The answer to this question is basically a yes or no. Any hesitation is a red flag.
Someone who is ready for a loving and respectful relationship should be able to be very clear about this. Their confirmation, confusion or awkward reaction will let you know exactly where you stand so there is no disappointment.
Another very important issue to discus early on is that of children. Whether you or the other prospective partner wants or doesn't want children. Is it negotiable? Is there a time frame?
How did their last relationship end? Was there closure for both parties? Or are there still unresolved issues, unclear boundaries, reasons why they broke up? How emotionally 'raw' is the issue of their previous relationship? Does your prospective partner take responsibility, blames the other person, or discusses what they've learnt from the relationship?
What are your prospective partners spiritual or religious beliefs that they feel strongly about? Are they interested in personal development? What are their priorities in life?
Many people rush into relationships as if there was an expiration date for the opportunity. However, as you get older you start to realize that timing needs to be mutual and, a similar pace of traveling is required for the relationship to successfully start to take shape.
Anyone who rushes you to make a quick decision or doesn't want to wait for you to make a choice isn't really considering or respecting your needs. All good things take time. If that person is serious about investing their love and time with you, they will wait until the decision to take the next step is a mutual one. An agreed upon time frame can be set, but pressuring or manipulating is not a healthy sigh of what's to come.
However, if you or the other person feels rushed into making a decision, this can later lead to question whether the the right decision was made on mutual terms, or whether there was coercion. These kind of retrospective thoughts can shake an unsubstantial foundation.
Too many of us are malignantly optimistic when we see early and clear signs of toxicity. We may see things that bother us but we choose to deny, we believe we can tolerate or 'fix' later. This is not loving, to ourselves or toward the other person. Some people need therapy, not a date!
That might sound harsh but I believe we must offer ourselves as whole and not half, expecting the other person to complete us. This is not balanced or healthy. It puts tremendous pressure on the relationship if one of the participants views the other as a savior or rescuer.
Once again, this attitude of denying things that bother us is unhealthy. If we start off deluding ourselves, we can be assured that the perfect bubble we created in our mind is sure to burst. If we can't speak honestly in the beginning, how many more heartfelt concerns will we hide in future? We will realize later our relationship was built on a lie.
Listen and observe how your potential partner talks to and about others. What is their general outlook on life? Is it mainly optimistic? Do they have an solution based attitude?
Pay attention because people will tell you about themselves!
Does this person take responsibility for their actions or is quick to blame others? Do they have an accepting or trusting nature? Do you feel an expansion in their presence? Or a contraction because their world is full of mistrust, difficulty, and oppression? What topics do they choose to discuss, what words do they repeatedly use?
When I was younger I remember my mum saying something I didn't quite grasp fully at the time, it took me too long to realize how true it was.
"Show me their 3 closest friends and I'll tell you who they are"
Studies of human behavior can now confirm that we copy behavior of the people we are in closest contact with. So if someone has friends that have problems with addiction, are dishonest or have other unsavory issues they are not willing to rectify, its most likely the person hanging out with them will also. Interestingly, studies also reveal that couples who have friends that have affairs or are divorced are more likely to behave in the exact same way.
On a brighter note, the more examples or friends that we have that are in loving relationships, the more likely we will be to have loving relationships ourselves. Its almost like we create what we observe.
These important issues need to be examined in the initial stages of relationships. I'm sure many of us could tell endless stories of heartache due to us not paying attention, asserting ourselves, and our requirements earlier on.
Human behavior is fascinating, isn't it? Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we are drawn to certain people for certain reasons. Known or unknown.
I believe that what we may now recognize as poor choices, were really an opportunity to assert ourselves, speak our truth and ask for what we need. Our pain and suffering was dependent on us expressing our needs with clarity and confidence, and walking away sooner from situations that we denied as being detrimental to our self worth.
Isn't it wonderful that as we get older we can choose to make more conscious decisions of whom we want to share this remarkable journey of our life?
We can honestly admit that we had the power all along. We are not victims, we just weren't shown how to make better choices for ourselves.
Once we begin to love ourselves, we realize we deserve exactly the loving relationship we envisage for our happiness.
The sooner we become aware of what we don't want, the quicker we will move toward exactly what we do want!
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