My Love Hate Relationship With Religion

Is there a difference between spirituality and religion? Can both co-exist? I believe that the heart can always see what the mind and eyes cannot. It will always steer us in the direction we need to be. I have had a love hate relationship with religion for most of my life. This is my story...

I grew up in a controlling religion. There's no other way I can distort that fact, to myself any longer. When I was a child I lived by the choices the religion set out. I'm sure my parents thought they were doing the right thing, and I can see many benefits of the foundation a religious upbringing has brought me.

A strong sense of conscience, a sense of responsibility to do the 'right' things, understanding of morality, the comfort of fitting in with like minded others, and a strongly ingrained impression of who God was.

As I grew up tho, I had questions, lots of them! I wondered about whether there were other 'good' people that weren't part of my religion.

I quickly learned that curiosity and questions were a sign of doubt, that perhaps the devil had implanted in my mind. My internal life was a constant and unrelenting state of guilt and fake politeness. I didn't want to be different because conformity was favored.

Individuality was not encouraged but was considered a serious concern because one could be 'straying from the flock'. Being a 'sheep' was important.

The older I got, the more restricted I felt. All books, magazines, TV, radio, everything was approved or disapproved of by the church. My every single day revolved around preparing for church, going to church, studying religious books either personally, with a group, or with the family. Of course, then there was the door to door preaching.

It never ended, ever. Every conversation, thought, belief, activity, dream or hope was dominated by my ingrained expectations of who I was told God accepted. I was not encouraged to make friends outside the church so I had no sense of any other reality. I was afraid of the world 'out there'.

My religion taught me that a relationship with God was strictly conditional, based on only their interpretation. I was not deserving of his love unless things were only done one way.

The hypocrisy I witnessed absolutely astounded me. Problems were just swept under the carpet, hushed away. I wondered who actually had the professional skills to manage marital disputes, physical or sexual abuse, bullying at school, or other legitimate issues that people generally face in the 'real world'. The maintenance of the illusion of perfect families was to be maintained at all costs.

The sense of isolation was crushing. I found it difficult to have friends even within the church because I knew I wasn't being honest, I was living a lie. I hated the person that the religion only allowed me to be. The suppression and rejection of my true Self lead to a physical manifestation of debilitating illness.

After I turned 21 I finally had the courage to listen to my own heart and leave. It is then that I lost everyone and everything that was my whole life as I'd known it. The abandonment and greif was difficult to live through. I had been people pleasing for so long that I had no sense of Self or who I was.

All I knew is that I felt a massive sense of relief. Like a heavy soul crushing weight had been lifted.
But if my debilitating sense of rejection and loneliness was the price of freedom, I was willing to accept that.

In my mind I had already endured hell. Any false promise of the religions version of 'heaven' with those deluded others, was of no comfort to me.

That's when my healing began. The years of guilt and shame that I believed I imposed on my family was overbearing. The sense of God not loving me, that I made a mistake, and that I was going to be punished was unrelenting. The heartbreak of realizing that the people I grew up with were no longer there, that it was all an illusion, was devastating.

What was most desolating to me was the manipulation I allowed. The shaming, guilt and ever present fear that I endured for decades. All cloaked in falseness, pretense, and a polite conformity.

The sadness and feeling of not being good enough, was something I have unknowingly battled with all my life. It took me years to figure out that the shaming was a powerful control tactic that's used frequently.

This experience made me hate religion. All I could see was what my filter allowed, which was my version of deceptive and sad events.

I'm now recovering my individuality, voice and ability to speak MY truth. I'm rebuilding my self esteem and confidence. I have come so far to know, with every fiber of my being, that I'm now closer to God than I ever was.

This experience has sped up my spiritual evolution and I'm thankful for that. I was never seperated from God. S/he never left me but was always in my heart, whispering lovingly thru my intution.

I have humbly observed that others may not have had such a devastating experience with religion. In fact, I have seen people whose choice of religion has encouraged them to become the best they can be.

The difference between these two experiences however, is that they had a choice, it wasn't imposed on them. Apparently God gave us free will? So why the judgment, guilt, fear and manipulation? This approach seems like slavery.

Looking back on that traumatic life long experience, I don't actually hate religion. I'm just intolerable to coercion, imposition, and denigration of choice. I recognize that judgment, comparison, and withholding of approval of anothers spiritual preference is not conducive of well being.

Opening my awareness of other religions has been very enlightening also. I pleasantly discovered teachings in Buddhism that have made a remarkable difference in the quality of my inner life. I'm now even re considering Bible scriptures in a completely different light that have enriched me exceedingly. There are more than one way up the mountain and I'm taking whats good for me, and leaving the rest behind.

Everybody has a right to believe what they choose is right for them. Anyone elses pompous  judgement is a reflection of their own shortsightedness. Yes, there is a big difference between spirituality and religion. Some people do find it in religion, however, many others don't.

I know now my own personal God that can't ever be taken away from me. My God is not found in a church, or only within a group of 'special' people. I AM an expression of God.

No matter what other peoples limited perception is, we are all facets of brilliance and we were all created perfectly. There are no mistakes. There is no one better than anyone else, we are all precious and individual expressions of Love. This belief serves me now.

It's been quite cathartic and healing to be able to express this through my writing. It verifies my reality and serves as a reminder that freedom is my ultimate goal.

I'm choosing to forgive myself for not having the courage, and not knowing back then, what I know now. I trust myself to make the 'right' decision because I listen to the guidance of my heart, and that can never be wrong. I have discovered an inner strength I never knew I had, that no one can take away.

Maybe that doesn't make me a good candidate for a religion, or maybe it means I still have alot of concepts to let go of. One things for sure though, I can no longer be shamed or silenced about expressing my personal truth. Perhaps in a previous lifetime I would've been burned at the stake for what I just expressed, not this time round tho.

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