Do you you instinctively care and rescue others, is it an almost automatic response? Do you easily identify with being the Rescuer? Savior? The care giver? Do you almost pride yourself on wearing that identity? This is a common finding in all Highly Sensitive People.
But can chronic care-taking ever be dysfunctional, considered NOT genuinely an act of love, or good for us??
I was taught that giving, considering, anticipating others needs was a virtue. After all, I watched my mum do it all my life. Others came first, always. In all honesty, I don't ever recall my mum saying no.
I wondered how she could always be cooking, cleaning, shopping, preparing for tomorrow, entertaining guests. I never saw her complain or be overwhelmed. Although, I did see her hide her exhaustion politely on many occasions, I just couldn't comprehend how she could possibly still be the most loving and considerate woman I ever knew.
Me on the other hand, I had limits. I withdrew from people, got tired, irritable and resentful very easily. I just couldn't cope with half of the things I saw her manage. I felt guilty that I was unable to be as pleasant and willing as her. I was just moody and disinterested in appearing overly pleasant. I concluded that I mustn't be as loving as her.
However, as I grew up I did take on the role of the chronic Rescuer. I just didn't recognize it in myself until decades later when I burnt out caring for everyone and everything, on the verge of adrenal exhaustion, and resentful to the point that I was unable to cope. Then of course I was tormented by monumental guilt. What a typical story of a HSP.
Why couldn't I be just like mum? My mum came from a generation of women who could do it all, with a permanent smile on their face. They cared for and rescued everyone, incessantly!
I started to wonder and look more closely at who are the chronic Rescuers? And why do people fundamentally, obsessively rescue others? Can it become dysfunctional? And at what point??
I came to the following disquieting conclusions. I wonder how many HSP reading this can relate..
There is a balance that has to be maintained when caring for others, so it can be of benefit to both parties. There is a fine line between lovingly caring, and rescuing.
When we habitually rescue people from responsibilities, and when we meet peoples needs and anticipate them, then its symptomatic of being dysfunctional.
When we fuss over, fix, unceasingly nurture them. When we solve their problems and attend to all their wishes, even the unspoken ones. Reading their mind, knowing their feelings even before they do is a gift we are quietly proud of.
When we do this to such a point that we reach a bothersome unexpressed resentment silently directed at them. We ask ourselves why they don't do the same for us? After all, we anticipate and cater to all their needs!? Then we feel sorry for ourselves and conclude we have been taken advantage of.
When we unknowingly rescue, we participate in a destructive form of helping. We take responsibility for another persons decisions, behaviors, problems and feelings. We are in reality, controlling through helping. We impose with helpful efforts and suggestions. WE feel needed temporarily, WE have a purpose.
Dysfunctional caring becomes unfavorable when we do something that that person didn't directly ask us to do, when we say "yes" but mean "no". When we're doing more than our fair share, when we're constantly giving, fixing other peoples problems. Doing their thinking for them, speaking for them, and putting more effort into their problem solving than they themselves are.
When we take care of people and do things we don't want to, we put ourselves aside. We ignore our needs, wants, and feelings. When their needs come first we devalue ourselves. It can be a evident sign of low self worth. Maybe we were never shown how to put ourselves first?
Is our self worth only based on our ability to give? What if we could no longer give? Would we be worthless?? Do we give and sacrifice our needs to emotionally manipulate through guilt, and prove to others how much we supposedly love them? This is conditional giving, with strings attached.
When we consistently give more than we receive we end up feeling neglected, angry and abused as a result of our continuous and habitual care giving.
Could it be true that if we instantly rescue it reveals that we don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed instead? If you don't love me for me, love me for what I do for you? Do we look for and possibly even create situations that need our rescuing so we can temporarily feel good about ourselves? That perhaps the act of caring for someone proves we are good?
Can we consider that perhaps our giving takes away the other persons ability to ask, work things out on their own, on their time? How much of our giving is interfering? Are we impeding the other persons ability to learn an essential life skill, take care of themselves, so we are forever needed by them?
I'm questioning my automatic reactions to people and situations in need. Most of my life I was reacting, not responding. I'm now learning to value myself more than just my ability to endlessly give, serve, offer, and sacrifice. It may be common sense to many people but for a HSP who's been chronic caregiver, this common sense was not so common. I confused love with need!
I'm appreciative that I'm able to look at this deeply ingrained, unquestioned subconscious program. There is a balance that many HSP weren't taught how to maintain. Instinctively giving til you drop is not conducive of physical or emotional health.
I propose Highly Sensitive People begin to check their 'fuel tanks' and question where they are giving from. A place of true care, love and fullness, OR, obligation and expectation because we assume we are here to carry the weight of the world.
Hitting rock bottom a few times in my life, I now value the contrast of what it means to give from a place of fullness as opposed to, emptiness.
Apparently I had it so wrong. I realize that the more I give to myself, the more I'm able to offer others. It is not selfish. I show others that I have limits when I'm able to say "no" to them, and "yes" to myself.
We all teach others how we expect to be treated. We all have a choice of giving from a place of self honesty and self love. And perhaps if you are a carer, consider giving someone else the opportunity of giving back to you?
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